Every fall, like clockwork, as the leaves make their way to the ground, so too does the word that “cuffing season” is commencing. A term popularized by the rapper Fabolous with his 2013 track “Cuffin Season” — which talks about turning “summer hoes turning into winter wifeys” — the general consensus is to find someone to spend the colder months with, emerging single again for the summer. From “cuffing season calendars” that recommend starting arguments and letting potential partners know they “may be drafted” to the official cuffing season schedule, the so-called “season” usually starts in September and ends in February (often on or before Valentine’s Day). If you, like us, think this all sounds a little outdated, you might also be asking — is it time we finally retire the endlessly memeified narrative that is cuffing season?
Rapper and model Moriah Mills posted a TikTok last month declaring cuffing season “canceled”. “I don’t care about cuffing season. I care about myself,” she says in the now-viral video. “I have enough money where I can have a good holiday and I have family.” Other creators have encouraged divulging in “feral girl fall”, aka enjoying singledom away from societal expectations. While humourous, the videos touch on a shift already happening across the dating landscape (cold weather or not), with Gen Z rejecting hookup culture and many young women turning away from casual sex and opting for abstinence.
The term cuffing season — which has roots in Black culture and (like so many other AAVE terms) has been taken by the internet, white-washed, misused and overused — has come to embody some of the worst parts of today’s hookup culture. Aside from the current dialogue which encourages folks to view romantic relationships as transactional exchanges with a time limit, it also feeds into a culture of non-commitment. The classic gendered trope of cuffing season is that by the end of the winter, women will want to be in a relationship, but men will want to be single once again for the summer. “When she ask for relationship but cuffing season over,” wrote one TikTok creator. “Can’t do that one”. This, New York psychotherapist Rachel Wright says, can sometimes be just another excuse for “getting out of hard conversations”.
“A lot of people hate the term cuffing season because it sounds like the modern version of ‘ball and chain’,” she says. “When actually it’s just autonomous humans wanting to stay inside and be in committed (monogamous or non-monogamous) relationships.” Before engaging in dating (during any season), Rachel encourages people to reflect on what they want and ask themselves what commitment means to them. “Commitment doesn’t mean monogamy, so what does it mean to you?” she says. Then, it’s time to be honest with who you date.
Gabes Torres, a psychotherapist and artist in the Philippines, says people are currently reexamining the culture of “searching for temporary love”. This, she says, includes reexamining the role of friendship. “I’ve lived in major cities in the US, and I’ve seen how friendships or other sources for connection outside of dating and sex can be difficult to find,” Gabes says. “This may cause people to feel lonely and to depend on romantic or sexual partnerships to alleviate the loneliness, which then becomes the norm.” In other words: why rely on a temporary romantic partner to get you through the winter when you can invest in deepening your friendships?
Gabes adds that people are coming to terms with the fact that hookup culture isn’t satisfying their basic emotional needs. “It seems that people are beginning to see how some of these needs are not accommodated in casual dating,” she says. “Ultimately, it seems that those who divest against cuffing season are those who are ready to be fulfilled in ways that hookup culture doesn’t offer.” The term itself implies punitive structures, like “locking someone down”.
“Are we looking for love when unconsciously, we’re looking for someone to solely use (rather than have a connection with) in order to get through the colder season?” Gabes asks. “Am I also locking myself to the idea that I should be looking for a significant other during such a season? For as long as policing is infused with intimacy, then I don’t see how it can build mutual, accountable connections.” She proposes that we come up with “something different”, but this doesn’t mean doing away with casual dating altogether, as many people can still be empowered by consensual, respectful agreements (especially those wanting to heal from issues around body image, sexual shame and purity culture).
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Terms like “cuffing season” or “ghosting” aren’t the problem, but rather a reflection of a dating culture that encourages us to view others as disposable, which is further emphasized by unlimited swiping on the apps. With this in mind, it’s less about abandoning specific words than it is about shifting our perspective on modern dating entirely. This, Gabes says, is already a process that’s underway. “Our collective ideas and practices in searching and experiencing intimacy will always be shifting and going through sequences of rebirth,” she says, noting that she appreciates where relationship culture is heading because of the emphasis on friendships.
While “cuffing season” might never fully retire from the vocabulary of Men On The Internet, the memes and online discussions are becoming less relevant as more people search for alternative ways to connect with one another (outside of hookup culture). As such, people are making way for relationships based on clear communication. With a shift away from hookup culture already underway, it’s only a matter of time before our new season of dating is captured with a new phrase — encompassing the current desire for greater depth and transparency.