Glastonbury is like Christmas or your best friend’s birthday: a once-a-year event that, for its biggest fans, absolutely cannot be missed. I have mates who have such a strong fear of Glasto FOMO that it’s written into their job contracts that they cannot work on the dates it happens. And while, on the surface, it might look like any other music festival, for the ones who descend on what they colloquially call “the farm,” it’s tantamount to a kind of singular religious experience. Church with loud music and pills.
There’s only so much you can say about it from afar, so we asked the writer Max Cocking to head into the thick of it. He’s been going for over a decade and knows its most unexplored corners, and who to chat to in order to get a prime spot for something.
Inside Block9—Glasto’s late-night spot—the fences and inhibitions drop: You might spot a famous face misbehaving beside you. (Maybe even with you.) The rule is that, as soon as you leave “the farm,” none of it is spoken of again.
Over this past sleepless, wild weekend, Cocking chronicled who he ran into, asking them questions about where they’re headed, what they’ve been doing, and their failsafe tips for surviving the festival.
Usher
My plan tonight is to walk around and hit the southeast corner for the first time: Genesys, NYC [Downlow], Maceo’s. I dunno what’s happening there tonight, but sometimes at Glastonbury you don’t really need to know what’s going on. You listen to people, get a feel for it, and go with the crowd.
Melissa
I had zero expectations beforehand, but I’ve been pampered and had the VIP experience. Although my feet are hurting. Now I’m here, I’m expecting some nice lollies, some nice choccy mushrooms, and lots of dancing.
Mimi Xu
At Glasto, just stay on-site. Don’t leave the site. Don’t give into the bougie, bougie, bougie lifestyle. Just get down and dirty!
Kesang
I’ve lost my voice, bitches, so bon voyage! Serving cunt.
Kaiden
My top tip for Glastonbury is to find a top! I haven’t slept yet. There’s certain things I’m trying to forget.
Juan
Is having sex at Glastonbury chic? It depends on the day. If you have it on day one it’s chic because people are still clean. After day three? You’re gonna get a surprise.
Immy and Pierre
Immy: I’ve taken my Belgian boyfriend to Glastonbury to see the sights and have a little dance. Pierre: And enjoy the atmosphere. Profitée l’atmosphere! Très happy to be here!
Bee and Alastair
Bee: We met at an afterparty for Club Are. I was actually trying to get into another taxi for a different party. But there wasn’t enough room, so I went back to the taxi rank and… [they get distracted] Hey bitch!
Shannanan and Jane Norman
This is the Pyramid Stage. Who built the pyramids?!
Yasmin and Dylan
Yasmin: Trans people exist! And we’re not going anywhere! Dylan: Kiss the dolls! At Glastonbury!
Max
Day one. This is the freshest I’ll feel for a long time!