Everyone knows the first day in a new office can be a daunting process. What should I wear? What should I do for lunch? Whose is that enormous tupperware in the fridge?
Of course, it doesn’t help when your new employer broadcasts the entire thing to its 24 million Instagram followers. But that’s exactly what happened to office worker Virgil Abloh who started his new job as artistic director of Louis Vuitton men’s wear last week.
What we really want to know, though, is what happened to the bits we didn’t see? The awkward water cooler queues and accidental “reply alls” that literally no one prepares you for in school.
Thankfully, readers, we’ve imagined the whole thing. From lunchtime etiquette to printing issues, this is everything that happened on Virgil’s first day at Louis Vuitton. You know — probably.
8:52: Arrive ten minutes early to make the right impression. Notebook, check. USB stick, check. Cash for the vending machine, check. Wish I hadn’t brought my lunch in a Louis Vuitton holdall. Bit much? Possibly.
8:54: The woman on reception doesn’t seem to know if they’re expecting me or not? Oh, god was it today?? I’m sure they said it was today.
8:55: It was today. Just be cool, Virgil. Be cool.
8:59: Alright, we’re going up. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
9:00: There’s a lift! Woooo!!
9:02: Okay, this office is SICK. I have my own phone. The chair’s ergonomic (I think).
9:03: Pens!!!
9:04: All I need now is for my work email to be set up and I’m ready to go.
9:29: Any minute now.
9:54: Any minute.
10:12: Is there a Nespresso in here? Should I make everyone a Nespresso?
10:14: Okay, Karen, coffee, Trudy, coffee, Darren, just a green tea because he’s got a dicky stomach. God, I’m never going to remember everyone’s names. And why does Darren blink like that??
10:43: I should do some drawing so that I look busy.
10:57: Drew a crab with “L.V.M” on it ha ha.
11:13: Finally got my email!! Can’t wait to get down to business. I literally have so many ideas flying around my brain, I feel as though I could work all night!!
11:26: Is it too early to eat lunch?
11:58: Seriously, is it too early to eat lunch.
12:02: Do NOT be the first person to ask about lunch, Virgil. Play it cool. Wait to see what everyone else does and if you’re offered to go for lunch with your co-workers – just GO!!
12:14: Darren invited me for lunch but I said no because I’d brought a tuna sandwich.
12:29: Great, now everyone is out for lunch and I have literally no idea where the bathroom is.
12:43: Had to use the disabled toilet on the 4th floor.
13:36: Okay, we’re having a meeting. Just try not to say something stupid.
13:44: Think, Virgil, think.
13:52: I said something about our “new vocabulary”.
13:53: I think it went down well?
14:27: I’ve noticed Darren does this annoying slurping thing when he drinks. Not sure whether to mention it or not?
14:28: Didn’t mention it. Also, Trudy has asked if I can put some money towards a leaving card for Neil in accounts. I’ve don’t even know Neil??
15:01: AHHHH!!! Just tried to print a document and accidentally printed hundreds of sheets!!!
15:02: Okay, don’t panic.
15:03: God, they’re all over the floor!!
15:04: Great, Trudy’s come to stick her oar in.
15:11: And now my screen’s gone all blurry.
15:12: Brilliant.
15:13: Maybe I should just try turning it off and on again?
15:14: Literally all I want to do is watch videos of baby animals and the screen doesn’t work.
15.17: Sod it, I’m just going to hide behind this pair of trousers until 5 o’clock.
