Earlier in the week the Guardian published this column on the Relationships and Sexual Healing section of their website. What reads initially as yet another poignant example of funny-dumb-sad man does funny-dumb-sad thing (cue lots of tweets re-posting it with comments like “oh mate”) ended up crawling under my skin and refusing to leave. This is so. fundamentally. male. Unapologetic, barely veiling his repulsion and immediately ready to isolate his girlfriend’s behaviour as abnormal. What was laughable at first made me uncomfortably angry. I hate getting angry. The response from the “sex therapist”, a phenomenally encouraging “do nothing” was as bad as the question posed. Ultimately the behaviour of this person was to be ignored, not engaged with and god forbid encouraged. Clearly, this was not adequate and so to do the Guardian a favour I decided to step in and offer further advice. I hope dearly that the worried sender finds my response helpful and anyone else suffering takes strength from my words. Oh an one last thing, when it comes to sex, “do nothing” is NEVER good advice. ever. k love u byee.
The original question:
“I have been in a relationship for nine months. I thought the sex was good for us both, but when we finish she tells me to shower. I wondered why, and now I know – she masturbates. She has done it multiple times; I think she is insatiable. What should I do?”
Dear sender,
Firstly, let me offer you my sincere condolences at this difficult time. That you have finally uncovered this greedy and selfish behaviour on behalf of your girlfriend pains me. And while 30% of women report pain during vaginal sex, this pain is male — sorry, metaphysical — surpassing base physical feelings and entering the realms of “deep pain”. I am troubled you have been forced by your girl“friend” (though how much of a friend can she really be, dirtying you with this filthy situation) to face this behaviour. It is immediately clear to me that yes, not only is your girlfriend sexually insatiable, she will stop at nothing to achieve her goal of relentless cumming. An unstoppable desire to orgasm repeatedly has evidently driven her insane, rendering her a furious machine who thinks nothing of a barked order for you to “shower” after what could only be described as your marathon of extraordinary love-making. But she doesn’t really want you to shower, does she. She wants you out of the room, so she can continue the non-stop cumfest behind closed doors. It’s outrageous behaviour. Men are 95% more likely to achieve orgasm during sex and you don’t hear them complaining, do you! Men aren’t cracking another one out the minute their partner’s back is turned, like a frantic dog on heat. Men aren’t obsessed with orgasm after orgasm after knee-shuddering, eye-watering orgasm, they’re happy to simply lie back and fall into a pleasantly unflinching slumber mere seconds after they finish. The 50% to 70% of women who achieve orgasm during (hetero) sex are evidently significantly less dignified, obsessed with engaging in a mad torrent of self-inflicted pleasure that would make their fathers wince with disappointment and embarrassment. Sender, there is sadly only one solution to this horrorshow of unfettered obsession. You must be honest with your girlfriend about her unacceptable behaviour. A second orgasm to the one you think you maybe just gave her is NOT required, it is unnecessary and extreme. Tell her. Then you must bind her and throw her into a large body of water. If she floats, congratulations she is cured of her insatiable desire. If she sinks? I recommend a sex therapist.