Hollywood’s leading women, and whoever is left of its leading men, gather at the Los Angeles Dolby Theatre this Sunday for the 90th annual Academy Awards. And what a year it’s been! I mean, has there ever been a better time to celebrate excellence within the film industry? Truly, who can say. Thankfully, there remain some things you can say for certain — not least the 90 things that will absolutely, without question, happen at this year’s ceremony. And here they are. All 90 of them.
This year’s nominees will take to their seats after successfully avoiding Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet.
This year’s host, Jimmy Kimmel, will walk on stage after successfully avoiding Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet.
Countdown to the first Harvey Weinstein joke.
Matt Damon joke.
Matt Damon joke.
Nicole Kidman clap joke.
Harvey Weinstein joke.
Mark Wahlberg will appear in shot, albeit very briefly, after offering to take a “substantial cut in screen time” in support of his female peers.
Mark Wahlberg will stress that, “It’s not me who decides who gets shown on TV. Your value is based on what the marketplace dictates.”
Viola Davis will walk on stage to present Best Supporting Actor.
Everyone will be very happy because Viola Davis is great, isn’t she.
Sam Rockwell will win Best Supporting Actor for his role in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.
Sam Rockwell will offer inspiring message of hope and redemption in troubled times.
Two of the children from Stranger Things (the Mac Demarco one and the one with the moustache?) will present the award for Best Make-up and Hairstyling.
Darkest Hour will win the award for Best Make-up and Hairstyling despite Gary Oldman being cancelled.
Barbra Streisand’s cloned dogs will present the award for Best Costume Design.
Phantom Thread will win the award for Best Costume Design.
Barbra Streisand’s cloned dogs will tug playfully on Daniel Day Lewis’s trouser leg.
Hilarity will ensue.
Jeremy Corbyn and Munroe Bergdorf will present the award for Best Documentary Feature.
Faces/Places will win the award for Best Documentary Feature.
Agnès Varda will not be present to collect the award.
A cardboard cutout of Agnès Varda will collect the award.
It will give the best speech of the night.
Short musical interlude (Common and Lin-Manuel Miranda?).
Award no one cares about.
Another award no one cares about apart from Dunkirk because they will win.
Bit where they hand food out to everyone.
Mel Gibson joke.
Mahershala Ali will present the award for Best Actress in a Supporting Role.
Genuinely can’t call this one. Allison Janney for I, Tonya?
Blue Ivy will present the award for Best Foreign Language Film.
Blue Ivy will make rambling speech touching on quantum physics, the ancient texts and mirrors.
A Fantastic Woman will win the award for Best Foreign Language Film.
Best Animated Short Film.
No idea.
Best Animation Feature Film.
No idea.
The original twins from Sister, Sister will present the award for Best Production Design.
The Shape of Water will win Best Production Design.
The fishman from The Shape of Water will sort of slip and slide onto the stage and everyone will encourage him and it will be a really nice moment.
There will be the “People Do the Funniest Things” section where famous people laugh at non-famous people.
There will be an award for best Visual Effects presented by the visual effects team behind Kris Jenner.
War for the Planet of the Apes will win Best Visual Effects.
There will be the Dunkirk Award for Best Film Editing.
Dunkirk will win the Dunkirk Award for Best Film Editing.
Documentary Short Subject.
God knows.
Live-Action Short Film.
Could be anything really couldn’t it.
Donald Trump joke.
Everyone will be relieved because we are at the FINAL STRETCH.
The cast of Black Panther will be introduced to present the award for Best Cinematography but it will just be Martin Freeman and Andy Serkis.
Blade Runner 2049 will win Best Cinematography.
Liam Gallagher will present the award for Best Original Score in a really big coat.
The Shape of Water will win Best Original Score.
Best Original Song.
Bodak Yellow?
I’ll probably just go to bed around this point, if I’m honest.
Matt Damon joke.
Best Original Screenplay presented by Skepta and Naomi Campbell.
Jordan Peele will win Best Original Screenplay for Get Out.
Instead of an in memoriam, there will be a montage of everyone who has been cancelled in the last year. It will be updated throughout the evening to include any last minute submissions.
Leonardo DiCaprio will present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay but there will be nothing behind his eyes.
89-year-old James Ivory will win Best Adapted Screenplay for Call Me by Your Name.
Timothée Chalamet will help 89-year-old James Ivory to the stage and Twitter will be awash with a thousand gifs.
Everyone will return to their seats for the BIG FOUR.
Jennifer Lawrence will fall over while presenting the award for Good Directing.
Guillermo del Toro will win the award for Good Directing.
Jennifer Lawrence will fall over again, slipping on a puddle left by Barbra Streisand’s cloned dogs.
Jimmy Kimmel will do his bit where he walks around chatting to the nominees.
A selfie will be taken with the nominees that includes Gary Oldman despite his being cancelled.
Armie Hammer and Timothée Chalamet will perform a short medley of Sufjan Stevens hits.
Emma Stone will walk out to present Best Actor.
Gary Oldman will win Best Actor despite being cancelled.
Timothée Chalamet will look magnanimous in defeat.
Someone who is not Casey Affleck (Ben Affleck?) will be wheeled on to hand out the Frances McDormand Award for Best Actress.
Frances McDormand will win the Frances McDormand Award for Best Actress.
Frances McDormand will deliver rousing Frances McDormand speech.
Meryl Streep will nod, like really slowly.
Still nodding.
Someone who is not Warren Beatty will be brought out to announce The Shape of Water winning Best Picture.
Said person will make a joke about last year’s hilarious mixup and everyone will laugh, but really every single producer will be LOSING THEIR SHIT.
Get Out will win Best Picture.
Honestly. Get Out will win Best Picture.
I really mean this. Get Out is going to win best picture.
Everyone will go home happy in the knowledge that they got away with it for another year.
Fishman will kiss Cardboard Agnès Varda.
Cut to soggy Cardboard Agnès Varda on the floor.
The end.