When Ariana Grande was given honorary citizenship of Manchester last week, it confirmed something us lot north of Crewe had suspected all along: Ariana is a Northerner, readers. A bone fide, down-to-earth, bloody decent Northerner. You can see it in her sense of humour. In her warmth. In her ponytail the length of the ring road. Did you really think you could hide for the rest of your life, Ariana? We’re not as green as we are cabbage looking, you know! As we prepare for her almost inevitable move to the leafy suburbs of Didsbury (what’s America got that you won’t find in the Arndale Centre?), we compiled this useful guide to help the Dangerous Woman hitmaker navigate like a local. Ariana, if you want to get on in the North you should take note of everything we say, because it’s gold! Oh, and don’t hog the Eccles Cakes, love, pass them round.
Football
You might have gathered that football is kind of a big deal in Manchester. As someone from outside of the city, you will naturally be a Manchester United fan (ho ho ho) but pay close attention to latterly resurgent Manchester City. Their manager looks good in a turtleneck and they have a couple of notable fans from the world of…
Music
Manchester has produced more rock stars per head than any other British city and none come better known than its ever-warring prodigal sons, the Gallaghers. Blessed with more hair above their eyes than the combined population of Chorlton-cum-Hardy, the former Oasis pair are like a sort of perpetually duelling Cain and Abel, tempers as bitter as a Rochdale wind, doomed to rhyme “mind” and “shine” until the end of time. Handy, then, that they both have a good sense of….
Humour
Deadpan self-deprecation and the ability to find comedy in the trials and tribulations of every life, Northern humour is the best. Think Victoria Wood, think Alan Bennett, think Eric Morecambe. Think the properly, laugh out loud tweet by Dan Hett, who, on seeing Mariah Carey had posted a picture of his murdered brother Martyn wrote, “I was a little dubious about Martyn’s recent bold social media move, but it worked.” Come to mention it, you need a good sense of humour when consider the…
Weather
Ah, yes. The weather. The rain falls hard on this humdrum town — so hard the number 43 to Wythenshawe comes fitted with lifeboats. Alright, that’s an exaggeration but it is bloody wet (why do you think Mancs never take their coats off?). Good thing you can warm yourself up with a nice, hot…
Greggs
Prepare to harden your arteries, Ariana, as Greggs the bakers is here for all your culinary needs. They sell wraps and everything now, but make sure you go for their iconic Steak Bake: tasty, homemade(ish) and you’ll still have change left over for a cheese and onion pasty if you need some veg. Just don’t lick the doughnuts while you’re in there and be sure to wash it down with a nice revitalising…
Vimto
Invented in 1908 by local pharmacist John Noel Nichols, Manchester’s most iconic beverage is so popular it has an actual city centre statue shaped in its actual image. Said to bring both “vim and vigour” to all who drink it (your move, Ribena), this sugary concoction of raspberries, blackcurrants, grapes and herbs, is bettered by one thing and one thing only…
Hot Vimto
Basically Northern sake, hot Vimto is a fine addition to the city’s culinary scene that boasts Chinese, Lebanese, Vietnamese, black puddings, hot pots, proper chip shops and, of course, the legendary…
Curry Mile
The curry capital of Manchester, at one stage Rusholme’s Curry Mile boasted at least seventy eating establishments along its rather inaccurately named half-mile strip. The numbers may have dwindled in recent years but the neon clad area of Wilmslow Road still draws huge crowds on a Saturday night, making it perhaps the second most famous street in Manchester following…
Coronation Street
The world’s longest running soap opera brings you the lives, loves and occasional tram crashes of a fictional neighbourhood in Salford. Developed by the late, great Tony Warren, its history of iconic female characters (Ena Sharples, Vera Duckworth, Hayley Cropper, Bet Lynch) were once a discreet way of sneaking the quick-witted humour of Northern gay men onto a pre-legalisation screen. Speaking of which, there’s still plenty of that in…
The Gay Village
A square half-mile around the intersection of Bloom and Sackville Street, Manchester’s Canal Street boasting Gay Village has, over the last three decades, built a reputation as one of the most inclusive areas in the country. It’s loud, it’s proud, and if there’s one thing we can say about Manchester, Ariana, it’s that they will bloody love you round here. So, what are you waiting for? The kettle’s almost boiled.
Credits
Text Matthew Whitehouse