On November 30, 1986, 17-year-old Deanna Templeton was crying in her bedroom listening to Pink Floyd. “I’m tired of all this bullshit, but no one seems to understand,” she raged silently in her diary, “I’m tired of being ugly.” The quote will appear alongside a black-and-white portrait of another teenage girl, named Ali, in Deanna’s new exhibition What She Said, opening in Los Angeles this weekend.
Deanna took the photograph of Ali, her shirt off and her back to the camera, years after Deanna herself had turned 18 and stopped keeping a journal. But the crush of secret anguish it captures, with its dim lighting and discarded clothes, seems like a perfect illustration of Deanna’s accompanying entry — specifically the words “my whole self is tiring me out, I sort of want to give up.” At the heart of What She Said is Deanna’s hope that, like her, other young women don’t give up.
By showing portraits of young female misfits from Deanna’s archive alongside her own accounts of adolescent anger and alienation from the 1980s, the show seeks to provide tangible proof that no matter how anxious or inadequate you may feel when you’re alone in your bedroom (whether you’re listening to prog rock or Justin Bieber), it does get better. And Deanna’s knack for capturing all the glinting bellybutton rings, pre-regret tattoos, and sassy T-shirt slogans of girlhood makes her message feel all the more real. “I hope,” she says, “we will all look back and smile at how intense life felt at that age.”
What qualities did you relate to in the girls whose portraits you chose?
I was looking for girls, young women, that reminded me of me when I was younger or how I wish I could’ve been. I was really drawn to girls who looked a little on the punk side, goth, or metal. I also looked for band shirts that I liked or certain tattoos. I really loved the album Penis Envy by Crass growing up so whenever I see someone with anything Crass-related I have to stop and shoot them. Then there were other girls who were in the “wish I looked like” category. Basically the opposite of who I thought I was, meaning they are tall, thin, and beautiful.
How did the idea to pair the images with your diary entries come to you?
I saved all my diaries and journals in case I decided to have children. I wanted to be able to share them if they were going through difficult times — so that I could understand where they were coming from, and that they would know that I have been there too. After [my husband and I] decided not to have kids, I forgot about them until one day a few years ago I was looking at my photos.
My whole archive is digitized and separated into different folders. One day I was looking through the folder titled “Females” and that’s when I started to notice a certain pattern, that I was shooting a lot of girls that reminded me of myself. Before I was just shooting without thinking too much about why, just going with my gut instinct. Once I saw the pattern, my next thought was, “I think I can bring my diary and journal entries into this.” Then I started to look really intensely at each photo and see what text felt right.
What surprised you most about your younger self?
How much I used to cuss! I really don’t cuss at all now, so looking back I feel like I used to talk like a sailor. And then my spelling and grammar. It sucked then and it sucks now.
Can you share your absolute favorite entry?
I’m not sure if I have a favorite, but this one kind of sums me up when I was 17:
Nov. 17th 1986
Well it’s been a long time and a lot has happened. I saw Cheap Trick play and kissed Robin Zander and hugged him. Went out with the lead singer from Doggy Style, Brad, to weird for me! Plus been kinda of seeing this guy name Erik, he has long hair, a heavy metalier, and confused the hell out of me!! I know for a fact I don’t want him to be the 1st, I don’t want him as a boyfriend, I just want to go out and have fun, if possible. The only other thing new about me is I way 117lbs!! Can you fuck’n believe it!! I started my diet! It went so-so today but for now on I’ll be better I will get down to 100lbs. Even if I had to be an anorexic (a person who doesn’t eat) then I’d also be able to see a psychiatrist again. Only my parents wouldn’t be bummed cause they wouldn’t know I still want to die.
Nov. 17th 1986 (later the same day…)
Tonight for the 100th time I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how ugly I am, and how cute I could of been. My acne is so horrible! I don’t understand why. It’s so ugly, I hate it. I wish I was dead until it went away. Some one please help me. I just wish my face was clear. Well I blew my diet, I ate 2 meals instead of one, that means tomorrow nothing. Well I’m going to go and sulk. Bye.
How do you hope the show speaks to girls today?
My hope for any young people who see this show — if they’re going through a hard time and they think there’s no hope — is that [it says] just hang on, don’t give up, life will get better. And most of all, just give yourself a break.
‘What She Said’ opens at Little Big Man Gallery in Los Angeles on June 26.
littlebigmangallery.com
Credits
Text Alice Newell-Hanson
Photography Deanna Templeton