When people are placed under pressure, it’s difficult to predict exactly how they will respond. Sometimes, the unprecedented weight of stress can harden and calcify people for the better, like squeezing a diamond from graphite. Alternatively, others may find themselves shattering altogether. In other words: at some point during this lockdown, you are going to consider drastically changing your current hairstyle. Thanks to a potent mix of boredom, a desperate need to exercise control over the few variables still within your power, and the knowledge you’re not seeing the world in person for at least two months, the home hair makeover has never been so tempting.
For a blessed few, this will be the eureka moment when your reflection suddenly mirrors how you’ve always felt you looked, rather than the stark reality revealed by the treacherous front-facing camera. But most of you are just going to end up with a peroxide dye job so bad that Joe Exotic would shy away from it. Either way, here’s a handy list of every quarantine hairstyle that you’ll pin to a mental moodboard during lockdown.
A bob
“Easy,” you think. “Simple snip, job’s a good ’un”. And yes, a bob is basically the Peach Beach track on Mario Kart when compared to navigating the Rainbow Road of going bleach blonde. But it’s still easy to fuck up, especially if your hair belongs to any category other than “dead straight”. Always initially cut an inch longer than you think you want it.
But remember… one slice too many can take you from Dua Lipa to the Karen meme quicker than you can say “Can I speak to the manager?”
Bleach blonde/bright red/a big ol’ dye job
So you’ve never dyed your hair before and now you want to go 2010 Rihanna red? We’ve all been there. Who among us does not struggle with a persistent mental whisper that says going full Marilyn Monroe will — contrary to perceived wisdom — actually change your life, bring you riches AND might even make you cum, all in one fell swoop? But please note: attempting this at home as an amateur is extremely risky. Please watch approximately 1000 YouTube tutorials first (tailored to your hair, don’t just assume) and buy far more toner than you think is required. But also become resigned to the fact the end result will be orange. These are the rules of the first time bleach, sorry.
Pastels
Somehow even harder than dyeing your mane one solid block of colour. And yet, all the rage thanks to e-girls and the likes of Billy Eyelash. Managing the twin feat of being both high maintenance and an exceedingly time consuming process, this is a long-term project of a style. Which is good, because the one thing everyone has too much of now is hours in the day. Still, it might be better to just buy a wig if you’re that keen for the look. The only people who have the money to maintain lavender hair in this economy are the influencers who convinced proles like you or me that we could pull it off in the first place.
Buzzcut
Some people will be getting buzzcuts because they want one. Some people will be getting buzzcuts because their Big Dye Job went very Pete Tong. Decide what side of history you wish to be on and proceed as necessary.
A fade
Or “the haircut administered badly by a partner”. Pour one out for all the other halves (or random Grindr dates, semi-trapped by isolation rules and horn) who find themselves suddenly taking on the role of barber. At first, confidence will probably convince them it’s going to be a breeze. But as soon as the clippers are in hand, the full weight of the task falls upon them, like Atlas heaving the world onto his shoulders. They absolutely bottle it, every time. Less David Beckham, more Cletus the slack-jawed yokel.
Braids
You’ve soaked your Xpressions in Apple Cider Vinegar, you’ve watched the knotless braids tutorial 10 times in two days. This is as ready as you’ll ever be. You begin sectioning your hair at 8am. Seven hours of Netflix later, you remain there, braiding. Six months pass, lockdown lifts. You are still braiding.
Mullet
Been watching a lot of Tiger King, huh?
A blunt fringe
If you’re only coming around the blunt fringe now, you’re someone who aspires to a certain identity but doesn’t quite embody it yet. You wanted to be the Daunt Books tote bag girl but never quite fully committed. Ditto the blunt fringe. But now’s your time to shine! Yes, it’s probably a few years too late, but fuck it, if this experience has taught us anything it’s that time is but an illusion. Disclaimer: It goes without saying this quarantine style will be a favourite among white women who are currently Instagramming (but not reading) My Year of Rest and Relaxation.
Bangs
Vastly different to a blunt fringe. Bangs can come in all shapes and sizes. The possibilities are endless, as are the ways in which you can mess it up if you don’t research the best techniques. Bad bangs can’t be hidden, so bear in mind this is, in some ways, the biggest haircut commitment of the lot.
Pixie undercut
God-fucking-speed to all the queer babes who can’t get to their barber for months. This looks like the boss level of home haircuts but perhaps it’s deceptively easy. It’ll also depend on hair type. Be tentative with the clippers until you’re confident. Or go wild and voila! You’ve accidentally joined the buzzcut ranks.
Mohawk
Please, there’s only space for one retro haircut to become beloved of the fashionable crowd at any single given moment. The mullet is having its day; be quiet and have a bit of respect!