With life on this cursed ball of rock as existentially terrifying as it is, fretting over something as seemingly inconsequential as a Halloween costume may seem silly. The thing is, though, after the barrage of bleak headlines and political theatre we’ve all had to endure, haven’t we all earned a night of frivolity and escape? A chance to forget all our daily trifles, and find freedom in dressing up like, I dunno, a slutty cat? That’s right, we damn well have!
As fun-filled a holiday as Halloween may be for most, however, for us fashion-inclined folk, its arrival conjures feelings of anxiety and dread. You see, for people who basically dress in expensive costumes all year round, coming up with a look that lives up to the expectations we all have of them requires a hell of an effort — and a hell of a budget, too. This year, however, there’s no need to fear. Just as we did for Christmas and the summer hols, we’ve put together a nifty guide to the perfect costumes for all you fickle fashions fans. Wondering who your formerly-queerbaiting TikToker nephew should dress up as for his first time in drag? What costume lives up to the jaded wit of based It-Girl bestie? Or what look your swampcore girlfriend, who typically dresses like an extra in a Tim Burton movie, should turn? We’ve got you covered!
Your freshly-graduated-from-art-school niece: Anna Delvey
Since we last saw our dear little niece, freshly graduated from UAL with little more in her bank account than misguided optimism, she’s moved up in the world. By that, we mean to say that she’s managed to land herself a few weeks of unpaid work experience — sorry, internship! — at some kind of independent style title. But her journey of (barely) upward mobility has taken its toll on our once-sweet little hopeful-stylist/photographer/agent. Staring down the barrel at the prospect of her 20s being spent in a junior-level PR job, promoting upcycled socks and floral dresses, she’s become somewhat disillusioned with hierarchies of power, and radicalised in her pursuit of success. Naturally, this year, she will be dressing up as Anna Delvey (her and every other fashion assistant) — but, for her, life will be imitating art. That fashion cupboard she’s currently managing return dockets in will be ransacked for a pair of thick-rimmed Celine glasses, those Manolo Blahnik Mary Janes, some sort of LBD with a Peter Pan collar — and yes, she will be ransacking the styling kit for a pair of Wolford 40-denier black tights. From the shelves she will cop an ultra-rare special edition of Purple magazine to carry under her arm, alongside a Saint Laurent 5 À 7, the handbag beloved by every real German heiress from Marylebone to Munich. Eat the rich, dear niece! Get your reparations for all that time spent trying to call in Prada Look 22! Just don’t forget the ankle tag — and definitely don’t forget to return it all the next day.
Material Gworl™: a cat
Rejoice! Our dear Material Gworl has bagged an invite to the annual Annabel’s Halloween ball! Who exactly has coughed up the sum for her primetime table remains a mystery, but that shan’t be getting in the way of her Cinderella moment. Miss MG’s day-to-day wardrobe is a costume in and of itself; a code-switching armour to help her in her ascent through the ranks of capital-S Society; a veritable Venus Fly Trap for the suited dwellers of Jermyn Street. Which is why, like so like many before her, she will be using Halloween to showcase her best, ahem, assets in a slightly more revealing iteration of a look she has honed for Friday nights on Berkeley Square. What better ‘costume’ than a sexy kitten, the go-to for girls who see themselves as a gift to the world? A strappy black Nensi Dojaka dress with incendiary cut-outs — almost akin to swimwear — ought to do the trick, coupled with a smokey Charlotte Tilbury eye and Costa Brazil-oiled legs teetering in a pair of Christian Louboutin’s So Kate pumps. A rabbit N.Peal coat will have to do until she can upgrade to Yves Salomon chinchilla, and Byredo’s waterproof Astronomical mascara may help if the night ends in tears (if only crocodile ones; she loves drama, after all). To top it off: a pair of lace Maison Michel cat ears, because, well, she’s a cat, duh!
Your queer TikToker nephew: Cassie from Euphoria
“Yasssss, bitch! It’s Hallo-QWEEN!!” he squeals and tongue-pops, clicking his fingers so frantically you think he’s trying to ward off flies. Bless him. Since last Christmas, when this little queen interrupted the actual monarch’s final festive speech to deliver an impassioned coming-out soliloquy in Dion Lee tank top and LdSS lace-up jeans, your once-queerbaiting, now loud-and-proud Tiktoker nephew has really been feeling his oats. While he already had the wardrobe on lock, armed with a taste for tequila sodas, a set of emotional attachment issues and a double monkeypox jab, he’s now truly ready to fledge the gay nest – to spread his legs and fly towards rainbow horizons.
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After binge-watching every episode of every franchise of RuPaul’s Drag Race – and subsequently deciding that the world is one big werq-room and Halloween is its Snatch Game – he’s decided to make this year’s his drag debut, dolling up as Euphoria’s Cassie Howard. After all, he really never has been happier, and she’s a perfect cipher for the good-girl-gone-baddie-bitch persona he’s trying to cultivate. While the enthusiasm may be there, the execution? Hmm… You see, drag is an art form that takes time, trial and error to hone. And honey, best believe there are plenty of errors here! Buy all the Morphe eyeshadow palettes and watch all the Euphoria make-up TikToks you like, chile – unless you’ve got a well-seasoned drag mother showing you the ropes, that beat’s still gonna be busted!
Still, baby’s doing the best he can on his own, and after spangling on some SIMIHAZE Eye Play gems, shaking a synthetic wig out its packet and Pritt-Sticking it down — before ultimately shimmying into the Coperni crop-top and KNWLS miniskirt he secretly nabbed from his scorned girlfriend when they parted ways — he’s ready to sissy that walk in an Anja Zacevic Cactus Boot! Well, that was the original plan, but anything over two inches still has him quivering like Bambi on ice, so he settled for a more sensible Miu Miu buckled stomper. Gayby steps, for sure, but our butch queen’s ready for her first ball!
Your gorpcore boyfriend: a zombie
Getting your gorpcore boyfriend in the mood for something as patently frivolous as Halloween was always bound to be a chore. Sure, he basically cosplays as Bear Grylls on a daily basis, but if you were ever to suggest that his day-to-day ripstop garb was a “costume”, you would no doubt be met with a Stone-Island-serious stare. Still, you don’t always have to invent a whole new persona when dressing for the spooky season – for the uninitiated, you can start by just working with you’ve got. His steely demeanour, penchant for weathered clothes, and tendency to give monosyllabic grunts as responses is the perfect jumping-off point for a convincing zombie costume!
Going from the ground up – as is zombie custom – let’s start with the shoes. While you could shell out $2000+ for a pair of Balenciaga’s ultra-limited-edition, ultra-destroyed Paris sneakers, you’d do just as good a job with any of the worn-through Kiko Kostadinov collabs with Asics mouldering at the back of his closet, which, for some reason, he just won’t let go of. “But they’re first editions!!” he groans. For the actual outfit, a look from A-Cold-Wall*’s new artisanal line (crafted from rugged, intentionally weathered cloth) or Ranra’s earth and vegetable-dyed tracksuits would make for shrewd choices – plausible costumes, for sure, but they’re also easy enough to integrate into his wardrobe rotation. Now, that’s sensible shopping!
As for the makeup, given that his near-exclusive diet of instant coffee and Supernoodles has already given him a year-round corpse-y palour, there really isn’t too much to do here, though I guess a smudge of dark eyeshadow and some mud – ideally from the recent Balenciaga show, but whatever you can find in your garden will also do – wouldn’t go amiss.
Your swampcore girlfriend: a Clean GirlTM
The tangle teezer you half-ironically bought your swampcore girlfriend has remained in the box since Christmas, untouched and gathering dust until Halloween comes round and she’s forced to use it for her costume. Because what could be further away from her year-round vibe than embodying the #CleanGirlAesthetic she rolls her eyes at on the FYP? She’s hunted through her sister’s wardrobe for an Extreme Cashmere roll-neck in a light beige that would be described by Tatler as “sumptuous” and gelled back her hair into a sleek bun with a severe middle parting. Let the normies try Goblincore, the antithesis of her vibe is a ‘costume’ of pristine Peter Do trousers and Vaseline-smeared brows, and that is scary enough to channel a true Halloween spirit. Face-paint? Well, kind of. But in the form of Glossier’s lavender Balm Dotcom and a Virgin Atlantic hair donut that she will later abandon for a broken claw-clip. She’s taking ironic selfies of it all in the 0.5 lens and posting it to story and ignoring her friends from school that are replying: Omg, babe your old Céline boots! Haven’t seen them in years! Swampcore girlfriend ignores these notifications. She has never worn the Céline boots, not even pre-Goblincore, and if she has, the evidence is hidden deep and dark in the archives. Okay yes, fine, these Mejuri gold hoops were a gift from mummy years ago, but it’s Halloween, okay, and she’s wearing them as a comment on radical minimalism. Shut up, Lettice!
That based It-girl who started a podcast: The ghost of trends past
The true horror of Halloween this year is that the normies are doing topical costumes – Princess Di? Not chic. Sexy Elf Bar? Puh-lease. Cost of living crisis, complete with electricity bill tacked to the front of your jumper? Would rather die, thanks – and so the Based It Girl needs to up her game and go one step further. More meta. More avant-garde. Her costume needs to subtly, or not so subtly, shade all those normies for what they wear the rest of the year, with an ensemble harkening back to the most horrifying spectres of 2022: the ghosts of trends past. And she’s doing it with dedication.
With gritted teeth, she’s rebleached her brown, ironically. She’s gone back to the buzz-cut that she had before Iris Law, actually. She’s committing to the bit by temporarily unlisting from her Depop all the pieces she would never wear in public once they appeared as affiliate links on Hypebeast.com, to give them one last outing. Here comes the Praying bikini top, artfully paired with the Miu Miu mini skirt that became a meme after she’d done her ironic photo dump wearing it. It’s a bit cold for that so she’s shoved a knitted balaclava into her mini Telfar bag, and finished the look with – what else! – her Balenciaga Triple S’s that haven’t seen the light of day since pre-pandemic. “Babe I am wearing a costume,” she’s snarling at someone in the smoking area, seething because she thinks you would have got it right away if she’d swapped the trainer out for the ignominy of the Bottega Veneta Puddle Boot she had originally planned for. “I’m being cheugy. This is my costume. These are the shadows of the things that have been.” It is too much irony for you to handle. “Leave me!” you shout at the ghost of trends past. “Take me back. Haunt me no longer!”