Who will take the Sunday afternoon “icon” slot at Glastonbury 2019? Cher? Madonna? Gaga? As the gradual whispers of wonderment reach peak whispery-ness, we imagine who could be.
CHER
Glastonbury is a magical place, it’s a festival on a farm built on an ancient set of ley lines. Special things happen there, mystical energies rise up and penetrate the festival. People have made pilgrimages to pay homage at Glastonbury Tor since neolithic times which, coincidentally, was just after Cher played her first gig. Were she to headline Glastonbury 2019 it would be a thing of great beauty, a transgressive experience where the natural world would collide with her polyphonic pipes; all the troubles in the world would be solved, there would be no war, no sadness, no hatred. Just Cher.
Madonna
Madonna has been itching to headline Glastonbury since her ‘Mi’lady’ tweed flat cap and shotgun faux-lady of the manner Guy Ritchie days. This is her chance. The set includes all of the greats, but finishes on a new song. No-one here wants to be told to shut up and get on the dancefloor, they are all gagging to get to the NYC Downlow so they can listen to a nine minute remix of Get Into The Groove, emotionally they’ve tuned out a bit . But Madonna only sees success. She should have headlined years ago but she was too powerful, too dynamic in her style. She looks out and only sees what is rightfully hers. She only hears a hundred thousand people shouting back at her, Bitch It’s Madonna. Because bitch, she is Madonna.
Ariana
Five, ten, fifteen years ago, Glastonbury was full of muddy oiks, hippy chicks, groovy gals. The thought that a 25 year old pop star — and by that I mean pop in the purest, Max Martin sense — could headline a stage would be unthinkable. Thankfully we are nearly at the point where festivals aren’t entirely dominated by (white) men and it is a possibility that young female popstar *can* headline one of the biggest festivals in the world.
Stevie Nicks
Millennials love witchy-poo shit, Glastonbury loves witchy-poo shit, your mum and dad love witchy-poo shit and everyone loves every Fleetwood Mac song ever, so it would make absolute sense for the grand high witch herself, Stevie Nicks to fill the slot on 30 June 2019 (only 347 days to go guys!!!!). Also how good would it be to hear 250,000 people on day three of a festival try and hit all the notes in The Chain!?*
* Yes, I know it was by Fleetwood Mac, and I know she is in her own right a solo recording artist but give me some slack here.
Britney
100% would be pretty awful but 100% would watch.
Rihanna
The good thing about Rihanna playing Glastonbury — actually, there are two — is that everyone would have umbrellas because it’s Glastonbury and it is mandatory that it will rain, and the second is that Paul McCartney, everyone’s least favourite Beatle would definitely do a guest spot for FourFiveSeconds. Also it would just be really fucking great to see someone as badass as Rihanna stand on stage and give everyone a piece of her mind.
Lady Gaga
She is not The Best Popstar™ — because that is, of course, Beyoncé, who is the only human on earth who is able to headline Glastonbury while three months pregnant. But Lady Gaga is a Very Good Popstar™. She has great tunes, she guarantees some kind of stage pyrotechnics, maybe she’d float in on a giant glittering rune, she has enough bangers up her sleeve for everyone to leave banger-sated, and you just know she’d rock up in the NYC Downlow and do a full secret second set.