We all know the scene. Elio — who is raging with the inimitable fervor of adolescence — lays down and gets to work relieving his boredom and sexual frustration in an, erm, interesting way. He jabs his fingers into a ripe peach and plucks out the pit, sunset-gold juice splattering across his chest and abdomen. Then Elio rolls the peach around in his hands while looking up at the ceiling. Is he really going to…? you think. Before you can run out of the theater, Elio unbuttons his bermuda shorts and moves the peach down to his crotch. Every sound is heightened. We hear smushing, gushing, ripping, and gasping without ever seeing what exactly Elio is doing with the peach. But then again, we don’t need to. We know. The camera stays locked on Elio’s face, obliging us to watch the series of strange and discomforting face contortions Elio (played by Oscar nominee Timothée Chalamet) performs. It feels like we’ve stumbled into a teenager’s bedroom at the worst possible time and haven’t closed the door behind us and mumbled our apologies. The scene of eccentric self-pleasure quickly crescendos into Elio heaving out a trite “fuck” and the moment is over. Elio places the soiled peach onto the nightstand beside him. A character has just fucked a peach on screen for the first time in cinema.
It would be unsurprising if figures came out stating Call Me By Your Name has given the peach industry a major boost this summer. I can imagine men everywhere taking a trip to the grocery store and buying themselves a bundle of peaches. After I saw the film last winter, I knew I had to test the scene out for myself and see if it was really possible. Sadly, that took many months of waiting. (Peaches are only in season from mid-May to mid-August in the U.S.). The desire stemmed from a place much deeper and essay-worthy than wanting to get my rocks off. Male self-pleasure is rarely talked about or depicted in a serious manner, much less queer male sexuality. When it comes to masturbation in film and TV, cheap laughs is usually where it’s at: Jim banging a warm pie in, you guessed it, American Pie and Ben Stiller furiously pulling out a quick one in a bathroom during a date and accidentally shooting “hair gel” on his ear in There’s Something About Mary. What imprinted the peach scene in my memory is how much the focus was on self-exploration, not crudeness, shame, or low-brow humor. I guess, if anything, I wanted to be like Elio and transform my relationship to self-pleasure into something a bit more liberated and romantic.
So I’ll start off by the answering the question I know you’re wondering: Is it actually possible to jack off with a peach? The answer is yes, and it’s pretty amazing.
I went to Whole Foods to pick out the best peaches, because obviously my phallus deserves organic. As if Whole Foods was anticipating legions of Call Me By Your Name fans swarming in, there was a 50% off sale on peaches if you had an Amazon Prime account. When I entered the checkout line, I started sweating. My anxiety — which can distort reality more than any drug — made me believe the cashier somehow knew I was not going to be eating those peaches. But my sense of shame proved even more why I needed to do this project.
The most vital part to fucking a peach is waiting until it is over-ripe. It should be extremely smushy, room temperature, and the skin a deep shade of burgundy. Over-eager me made the mistake of trying to recreate the scene right after buying the peaches, when they were still firm and bright red. There are obvious reasons why this is not ideal. It is near impossible to remove the pit and, also, the flesh of the peach won’t expand and conform like you need it to.
I left the peaches out on my counter and waited three days. The second time was the charm. To prep, I opened up my window, let the cool breeze flow in, put on “Mystery of Love” by Sufan Stevens, and laid back. Here are the steps:
Slowly create a hole smack-dab in the middle of the peach with your pointer fingers. Then wiggle your fingers around inside the peach, basically digging a tunnel towards the pit. Careful, juice will spill everywhere!
Hook your fingers around the pit and slowly pull it out. It’s going to take multiple tries. You want to be careful that you’re not too forceful during this part, as you don’t want to split the peach in half.
Once the pit is out, you want to dig around and make as much space in the middle of the peach as possible. Think about the circumference of your phallus.
Now go for it! The peach will probably only fit the top half of your you-know-what. But there is something new and novel about this feeling. Fun fact: peach juice makes for great lube. Someone needs to patent this idea ASAP.
Sadly, there was no Oliver around to eat my peach when I was done.