Until 2017, living breathing 3D emoji queen Katy Perry was a pure pop force to be reckoned with. She shifted 91.5 million digital singles, played the Super Bowl halftime show in 2015, and is the only other artist to have equalled Michael Jackson’s record of achieving five No.1 singles from just one album (Teenage Dream). But then Katy Perry decided to get ‘woke’ and release her album Witness, a record so rubbish that even the head of her label, Capitol Records boss Steve Barnett, has started throwing shade at it.
Barnett revealed that it’s been tough seeing one of the label’s biggest stars underperform, because even though Witness has sold almost 850,000 copies worldwide (a fraction of Teenage Dream’s 3 million), it is ultimately a terrible album that no one asked for and Barnett knows this. “You sit down and have tough conversations with her and management,” Barnett told Variety. “As successful as you’ve been, you learn. Personally I’ve learned more from our mistakes than our successes and I believe our artists are in the same category.”
Fear not, because according to Barnett, Katy Perry has a plan to reclaim her pop crown. And it’s totally plausible that she’ll mount a comeback for the ages, because as KP herself once so wisely sang, “After a hurricane comes a rainbow”. Just in case though, here are some suggestions and guidelines that we believe will soon have her Roaring once more.
Meditate
Seriously, meditation is such a great way to help tap into your creativity when you’re stuck. David Lynch swears by it. It can also help chill your angst and make you a more peaceful person, which might come in handy if KP is feeling the pressure to deliver from her label. Having recently decided that she’s a “victim” of social media, denouncing it as the “decline of civilisation,” meditation could be the perfect antidote. It can also help with sustained attention, empathy and introspection, which might help KP stop offending people, you know, by appropriating other cultures with the way she wore her hair in the This Is How We Do video, and that time she dressed as a geisha.
Free your mind
Being a popstar is a demanding full time job but considering how much of a flop KP’s “purposeful pop” has turned out to be, maybe she needs to get serious about expanding her mind. What better way to do that than to knuckle down and go back to school. Enrolling onto something like the Women’s and Gender Studies undergrad course at MIT might be a good shout — just imagine how woke her signature sounds would be with a sprinkling of critical theory.
Date people you shouldn’t
There is literally no better inspiration for songwriting than making mistakes and getting your heart stamped on. This is a fact.
Star in a movie
It’s almost unbelievable that Katy Perry hasn’t followed in the footsteps of pop luminaries such as Madonna, Mariah Carey and Britney Spears and starred in her very own movie. Obviously there was the incredible Katy Perry: Part of Me documentary, but where is her Desperately Seeking Susan slash Crossroads slash Glitter? A full soundtrack from KP to accompany the movie would be a must.
Creative retreat
Katy Perry has a lot of money. So much that she can probably afford to go on a creative detox. The Women’s Empowerment Retreat in Marfa, Texas sounds cute, so does this fancy af villa in Tuscany. If KP can’t be arsed with that, then maybe just hit up Burning Man.
Go wild
Apparently getting back to nature can do wonders. That said, if the trailer for Justin Timberlake’s Man of the Woods album is anything to go by, I’m not sure this is always an entirely good thing. As long as it doesn’t inspire KP to pull a Gaga and do a country album then some fresh air probably can’t do any harm.
Girls just wanna have fun
No one wants to be guilty of dropping the “f” bomb and telling anyone to “have fun” (it’s one step away from asking a woman why she’s not smiling) BUT KP’s whole brand is built on an empire of LOLs and emojis. In these dark times with climate change, President Trump and Brexit ruining our lives, we need KP’s brand of sunkissed, candy-coated, California pop more than ever! The only purpose KP’s pop really needs is to entertain and be inclusive. Katy should do some fun stuff like go hang at a cat cafe or whatever floats her boat.
New friends
Since one of Katy Perry’s long time collaborators Dr. Luke has turned out to be a total creep, it could be a great time to make some new super producer/songwriter friends. KP might want to pick up the phone and start hanging tough with Ryan Tedder or Charli XCX or MNEK or Ariel Rechtshaid or current pop producer of choice Jack Antonoff (though KP’s disinteresting ongoing feud with Taylor Swift might make this complicated — sigh).