There’s very little Simon Porte Jacquemus, fashion’s favourite pretty boy, can’t get away with. Even the late Karl Lagerfeld, famously despondent about other designers (Azzedine Alaïa, in his words, made “ballet slippers for menopausal fashion victims”), swooned over his rugged, boyish naïveté. “He makes me laugh… and is rather pretty too,” he told Numero magazine. In the same interview he also answered the question of who he’d willingly take to a desert island in a choice between Virgil Abloh, Jacquemus and Jonathan Anderson, with “I’d kill myself first”, but by Karl’s standards that was pretty vanilla.
Jacquemus’s sunswept late nights on the Côte d’Azur aesthetic has been has been the toast of fashion fans for some time now, but at the autumn/winter 19 shows, he offered up an item that had some asking, has the designer gone too far?
First came the Le Chiquito, part of his La Riviera collection, a bag that is literally 12cm wide, with a name translates to ‘tiny’ in Spanish. Retailing at £400 and selling out quickly, the accessory was a hit. For autumn/winter 19, Jacquemus took things one step further. The crowning accessory of La Collectionneuse, shown in a set reminiscent of a southern French town square, was the Le Mini Chiquito (yes, the ‘mini tiny’ — from you, Simon, I’d accept anything), a bag that neatly fits into just half of the palm of one’s hand. Memes, naturally, ensued, alongside a host of incredulous fashion critics asking is this “ridiculous or revolutionary?”
I will almost definitely be spending however many hundreds of pounds on this if I’m able to balance my credit cards in time. Assuming I’m able to, I won’t need my credit cards anymore anyway, as they will not be able to fit into this fetching lilliputian tote. So what will?
Dignity/shame/propriety
It’s an obvious one, but it’s one worth underlining. I have just, in the lines above, confessed that I would give Monsieur Porte Jacquemus hundreds of my good British pounds for a handbag I can’t fit my cards in. I can therefore rest well knowing that there will be ample room in Le Mini Chiquito for my senses of shame, propriety and dignity, along with a couple of the items listed below.
Lip balm
Lip balm is fundamental. I’m sorry but if you’re already cracked-out enough to buy this bag, don’t get caught with cracked lips too, sweetie. It’s the least you owe yourself. Annoyingly, I can think of few lip balms that would actually fit inside the bag, so why not transfer (decant?) the soothing balm from the container into the bag itself? Never has there been a chicer cosmetics vessel. Bonus tip: opt for something shea butter-heavy for a soft and subtle interior!
Two pennies
Because that’s honestly all you’ll have to rub together after buying this bag.
Pieces of gum
Other than the smoking areas of less-than savoury soirées, nowhere have I been asked for gum as frequently as London Fashion Week. I’m not sure whether it’s the pursuit of minty-freshness, or just an anxious attempt to assuage a suspiciously clenched jaw, but fashion people love gum. That said nothing says ‘fashion’ less than extruding a gum pastille through a pocket-tattered piece of foil into someone’s clammy hand, so why not use your Mini Chiquito as refreshingly trendy gum dispenser?
Your sim card
Where are you going to put your phone — your bag? Wrong! You don’t need your phone anymore. Sell your phone. Pay your rent. Do keep the sim though. As has already been established, what’s left of your shame and dignity are in the bag anyway, and gauging by what’s left, you’re probably not past asking strangers if you can put your sim in your phone to check your texts.
A small animal
Ok, so it would admittedly have to be a really small creature, maybe a dwarf hamster or something like that, but just imagine how adorable this would be? It’d be like a slightly lower-rent take on that time in the 00s when Paris and Nicole used to carry chihuahuas in their LV Neverfulls.
Cigarette butts
Have you ever been Tokyo? If so, you’ll have noticed that everyone smokes, and yet, other than designated smoking areas, there are no ashtrays or bins. And no butts on the streets — anywhere! Where do they go? It turns out that you can buy these portable ashtrays from 7/11, where you can conveniently store your festering fag-ends until you happen to come across a bin. Anyway, Le Mini Chiquito could always serve as an extremely expensive version of that, given how financially reckless you are.
Cigarettes
Now that I think of it, this bag is the perfect size for a couple grams of tobacco, a few filters and some papers. Which is great if, like me, you’re trying to cut down and avoid running through whole packs on evenings out.
Snuff
It’s also the perfect size for a night’s worth of snuff, or whatever else you’re putting up there. That said you’re not going to have any room for keys — also that’s just gauche. If this is the route you’re going to take with Le Mini Chiquito, I wholeheartedly endorse using in combination with the Vetements Snuff spoon pendant.
