Whether or not you may have realised it, you’ve been watching professional matchmakers at work for over two decades. The 40-odd seasons of ABC’s glaringly caucasian, polygamist dating show The Bachelor and its spin-offs have produced 15 successful matches. Love Island, the UK’s seven-year-old dating show that offers participants a slightly larger pool of suitors, is responsible for 11 long-term relationships (excluding the recent season). Then there’s Netflix’s contribution Love is Blind, which boasted five successful marriages until this week. And while we squeal with every kiss and eagerly identify each red flag among the hopeful couples, what if you stepped out from behind the screen and, well, lived it?
“We’ve noticed the demographic skewing younger [and younger],” Erika Kaplan, a professional matchmaker based in Philadelphia, says of her clientele.. “I attribute this to the pandemic being a true time of reflection and looking inward — many singles in their 20s moved back in with family, spent more time alone. We see younger singles interested in going on fewer, better dates.”
Erika is a senior matchmaker and VP of Membership at Three Day Rule, a dating service that originated in New York and has since expanded to 12 metropolitan centres throughout the US. The company offers clients coaching, a kind of “dating therapy” to elevate self-awareness and rewire unproductive habits, in addition to matchmaking, for which they “recruit, source and vet” potential dates on their client’s behalf, before setting them up. Recruiting everywhere from LinkedIn to your local grocery store, the company has pooled 150,000 singles nationwide.
“[There’s a misconception] that matchmaking is for people who cannot find dates or who are desperate,” she says. “This couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, most of our clients are dynamic, successful and attractive and have no problem getting dates, but want to be protective of their time and avoid the burnout of the apps.”
Yoga instructor Elizabeth Gascoigne was excited by the dating potential of New York City when she moved from Seattle two years ago. While the 24-year-old’s career rapidly progressed there — she recently founded a non-alcoholic pop-up bar in the Meatpacking District — she found that her love life came to an unexpected halt. As she diligently searched for a partner, Elizabeth found the men she encountered often cited the same reason for not pursuing anything further after a month or two of dating: they just “weren’t looking for anything serious”.
“I was discouraged, annoyed and about to delete the apps ‘for good this time’,” Elizabeth remembers. “Then I met a new friend at a bar one night, a week later I’m sitting with him and his girlfriend and they’re telling me how they met through a matchmaker.”
At no cost, Elizabeth signed up to be considered a potential match for paying clients. The matchmaker “went deep” at her intake consultation, focusing on her relationship history, what she had learned from each partner and her overall “non-negotiables”. Within weeks, they had sent over a range of options for her review. While she ultimately only went on one match-made date (a week after-the-fact she met her current partner on Hinge), she would recommend the experience to anyone.
“I worked with three matchmakers total and had a great experience,” she says. “I think part of the value in paying for a matchmaker is getting honest feedback after the dates. A matchmaker needs to be kind, but honest about what the client could be doing better — from planning the date to following up afterwards.”
“Through the process, feedback is a monumental part of how we find the right match,” Erika adds, revealing that a post-date debrief is among the most important steps to refine the search. “The more we learn, the better we do.”
The process is relatively straightforward. Any prospective client undergoes an initial consultation to ensure the service’s database aligns with their preferences for a partner. After which, they’re connected with their personal matchmaker, who helps them take professional pictures — no ‘blind dates’ here — before pairing them with potential matches who share their goals and values.
“We are not here to deliver someone who is perfect on paper,” Erika continues. “We’re here to work within the nuances of what each particular person brings to the table. We want to find the perfect person for you — not the perfect person, period.”
Blaine Anderson, a dating expert for men, specifically, brands herself as the “female ‘Hitch.’” While she was famed for her courting advice back in college, she only became a full-time relationship coach at the dawn of the pandemic. After building a significant following doling out dating advice online, ‘Dating by Blaine’ is now attracting a host of male clients in their early 20s.
“There’s a stereotype that Gen Z is heavily invested in self-reflection and personal development — my suspicion is this is what’s driving the trend,” she says. “I believe there are fewer stigmas to seeking outside help with interpersonal challenges today than there were even a decade ago (hence the therapy boom), and the internet has dramatically increased access to these services.”
Blaine offers a five-week coaching program that dives into a different ‘E’ of dating each week. Clients learn to ‘Empathise’ with a potential partner, ‘Embrace’ themselves, ‘Embody’ their learnings, ‘Engage’ women and ‘Execute’ on dates. The process involves making highly swipeable profiles for online dating, as well as teaching communication skills and tips and tricks as to where to meet women.
“My favourite and most successful clients believe in themselves. It sounds corny, but this is the single most important ingredient for dating, and heartbreakingly not everyone has it,” Blaine says. “Decisiveness plays an especially important role in finding a partner. Clients who are decisive learn to not waste time on women who aren’t interested quickly, which is critical to their success.”
Blaine’s objective is to set men up with all the necessary skills to connect with women, rather than merely present them with options. But when offered in tandem, coaching and matchmaking have the ability “to seriously move the needle” for clients.
“We find that a majority of our success stories are with clients who end up dating someone quite different than who they thought they’d end up with,” she says. “To me that highlights how often we tend to get in our own way: we swipe on what’s familiar, but what’s familiar isn’t always what’s right.”
Blaine explains that we’re often socially shamed for struggling to find a partner: “Everyone knows the cliché of worried parents pressuring their adult children to settle down, which is predicated on this insane assumption that entering a relationship is a decision we exercise full control over. We all know from experience that dating is hard.”
Ultimately, both experts are finding that matchmaking is becoming less taboo. The rate, which averages around $2000-5000 a year, might not be the most accessible but it’s the same as what someone might spend on a therapist or cosmetic treatments. While Erika claims matchmaking success remains “in the eye of the beholder”, few regret taking a chance to invest in love.
“Singles are tired of the apps and looking for a more humanistic approach to meeting their person,” Erika says. “So while matchmaking might be one of the oldest professions in the world, it’s almost brand new again.”
After all, chances are you’ll have better luck than any Bachelor.