Polyamory is having a moment right now. Or, rather, alternative relationship styles are finally stepping out of the shadows. Thanks to the rise in popularity of dating apps like Feeld, aimed at those looking for all kinds of polyamorous relationships, more and more people are accepting that traditional monogamy might not be the only valid relationship model.
But, for people like myself in polyamorous dynamics, there’s still a lot of prejudice to contend with. For every person who’s accepting of my relationship (I’m in a throuple, or what’s sometimes called a “closed triad”) there’s often another person who visibly rears back in shock and disgust, or someone who assumes I’m only in this dynamic because I suffer from crippling low self-esteem. Although these responses can be frustrating, in some ways I get it. While polyamory is becoming more widely talked about, it’s still far from the norm. According to a recent study, around 4% of Americans are in an ‘open relationship’. For some people it can still come as a shock to learn that someone has more than one partner. Having grown up in a society that crams monogamy down our throats at every opportunity, in rom-coms and pop songs and on the vast majority of dating apps, polyamory can seem like an extreme alternative, and a lot of people find that intimidating.
But the more irritating stereotype about polyamorous people is that we’re all ugly. On forums people ask why this might be. People theorise that only an “ugly” person would consider non-monogamy because we have to take what we can get. There are songs on YouTube with millions of views and cruel memes all making the same joke: that polyamorous people are all kind of gross. In the polyamorous community, one attack in particular is so common it’s become a kind of in-joke: “dating two fives doesn’t make you a ten.”
Polyamorous educators are starting to call this out, and dissect the materialistic and flawed logic that goes into this argument in the first place. By focusing exclusively on how a person looks, and especially by ascribing a number to quantifiably define a person’s whole worth based on this, people and relationships are being turned into commodifiable objects. Leanne Yau, founder of Polyphilia blog — an educational resource for polyamory — shared a post on her Instagram dissecting these toxic ideas. On the idea that poly people are ugly, Leanne wrote: “even if this was true (which it isn’t)… so what? Folks seem to be making the argument that love is less valuable if it’s shared among less attractive people, which is a truly fucked and consumerist mindset to have.”
It’s not that difficult to see where this idea comes from. Just like we’ve been taught that monogamy is the only truly valid choice, many of us have also grown up believing that the only way we can find love is by being beautiful in a way that aligns with traditional Western standards. Think of any movie where the woman (and it’s usually the woman) gets a makeover and then gets the guy. It also happens in literally any perfume advert you’ve ever seen. Physical attractiveness is deeply tied to perceived “worth” for a relationship.
“Deep down, many monogamous people would love some form of consensually non-monogamous relationship” – Zachary Zane
This might start to explain why calling polyamorous people “ugly” is so commonplace, especially online. “I think in the age of social media, people require a much higher level of validation for their relationships, which probably contributes to this whole thing,” Leanne says. “It’s not enough to just talk about your partner and how much you love them, you have to post a photo, and that photo has to be super glam.”
Zachary Zane, a sex expert for P.S. Condoms and polyamorous bisexual man, points out that there are a great number of insecurities coming to play in this criticism too. “I think, deep down, many monogamous people would love some form of consensually non-monogamous relationship,” Zachary says. “I don’t think necessarily a polyamorous relationship, but some form of open relationship where they’re allowed to have sex with other folks besides their primary partner (the high rates of infidelity in monogamous relationships confirm this).” According to research by the University of Utah, 20-25% of married men cheat, and around 10-15% of women. Because of this insecurity, an easy defence mechanism is to devalue polyamory and create distance from it, by dismissing polyamorous people as ugly.
But, if you scratch the surface, the logic quickly falls apart: “I feel like the same people who believe polyamory is for ‘ugly folks’ would be the same people who believe that ‘ugly folks’ can’t have any relationship, and yet they have multiple,” Zachary says. “It’s just another way for people to project their own insecurities and unhappiness onto other folks.”
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Leanne says that, like myself, she’s encountered the assumption that she must have low self-esteem, and that’s why she’s poly. In a video on her Instagram account, she counters this by saying to the haters: “Maybe you can’t get more than one partner because you’re too ugly for polyamory?” She explains further: “If I think I deserve one partner, why wouldn’t I think I deserve multiple partners? If anything, I think I have a very high self-worth to believe this of myself.”
Despite having all the hallmarks of your lowest-denominator school-yard bullying, comments like “all poly people are ugly” can be genuinely hurtful, especially to people just starting to explore queer and polyamorous dynamics. “Think about the people who you spend your time with,” Leanne says. “Are they there because they serve some purpose, or make you look good, or because you really enjoy their company?”
Zachary and Leanne both point out that the people who are quick to attack polyamory, and to call poly people “ugly”, are rarely the people in healthy relationships of any kind, including monogamous ones. Anecdotally, at least, I can confirm this too. It seems that, in many cases, that anti-polyamory is motivated at least partially by an element of jealousy.
Leanne sums it up best: “They hate to see polyamorous people having happy lives, so they devalue that by going ‘well all of you are ugly anyway’. It’s sour grapes.”