While for many the arrival of summer is cause for celebration, for chic people like us, it often invokes sheer dread. Not only do you know that you’ll be under harsh scrutiny from like minds for where you choose to spend the warmer months, you’ll also be judged for what you choose to wear while there. Perhaps you’ve told yourself that this will be the year that you choose to disengage — to forgo the stress of having to shell out on a whole new wardrobe that you can only wear for, like, three months of the year, and make do with what you’ve already got. Take it from us, though — as taxing and financially debilitating as shopping for the summer is, it’s nothing compared to the shame you’ll feel when you’re clocked in Capri wearing the same Pucci headscarf you did last year.
So how does one broach this taxing task? Well, luckily there’s no shortage of precedents set for how to summer — when we’re struggling to figure it out, we like to turn to the esoteric individuals you already know from our Christmas and Valentine’s Day gift lists. Fretting over what bucket hat to get for a festival grand tour? Just ask your spoiled hypebeast brother! Desperate to know what the bikini of the season is? Material Gworl™’s got you covered. Trying to figure out how to bring a sprinkle of chic to a bleak London staycay? Your cheugy girlboss cousin is a dab hand at making a Primrose Hill picnic more idyllic than a week in Pantelleria. Sounds fab, right? Well, read on to glean inspiration from the ways our favourite picky fashion fans are spending their summers, and what they’ll be wearing for the season.
Your spoilt hypebeast brother: festivals
Is there anything more hyped this summer than festivals? Well, if the round-the-clock stream of gymnastic gurns and outlifts lifted from some demonic gay pantomime on your spoilt hypebeast brother’s Stories is anything to go by, no, there isn’t. Though jobless, he’s somehow found the resources to pitch up at every damn one going — from Glastonbury to Primavera, Dekmantel to Sustain-Release. While he managed that, he’ll probably need a bit of help to get hands on the gear to see him through the season — no, not that sort of gear, though an innocent-looking SafeCan would probably be a welcome gift in the interest of keeping his criminal record clean. We’re talking clobber. Since the Raf Simons bomber he just copped from David Casavant’s archive sale was not destined to be pocked with strangers’ cig-burns, he’s gonna need some practical-yet-clouty garb — you know, a Prada Re-Nylon bucket hat, an Arc’teryx Beta AR jacket, a pair of Balenciaga Croc Boots. Still, no matter what clothes you give him, it won’t count for much if, after months of sleepless nights, the body wearing them is basically a greying corpse. Being the doting sibling that you are, slip him a little remedy pack comprising a Boy de Chanel concealer stick, some hydration salts, a couple of cans of Bella Hadid-backed Kin Euphorics. And if you really love him, book him in for an IV drip and a Barbara Sturm facial and he’ll be ready to hit the Supreme queue in a jiffy.
Material Gworl™ : #Europe
If, on looking at resort fashion shows, you’ve wondered who the hell they’re even for, here’s your answer: the Material Gworl™, bien sûr! In fact, with her full-look policy, you’d be forgiven for thinking she was a model in town for a ritzy destination show were it not for the fact that it took place two months prior. How she’s bankrolling three months spent hopping from one £2k-a-night hotel room to another is a line of inquisition she’ll deftly swerve — no one is so rich as to turn down a “friend”, she’ll purr — but, to be honest, we’re not here to ask questions! Let the girl live her fantasy — and ours, vicariously at least. Then again, life for this petite princesse isn’t all Hermès bangles and Pucci scarves. Packing a suitcase light enough for the porters to reasonably lug from the deck of one yacht to another ad infinitum is no mean feat. Less is more, here — a Louisa Ballou swim dress works just as well on the shore as in the sea, while, for something a little more evening, the cutouts on Nensi Dojaka and Christopher Esber gowns create ample negative space to slot in a NuFACE toning device and enough bottles of Shiseido suncream to last you through October (the official end of her summer, if not the rest of ours). When it comes to accessories, Prada’s generous raffia tote fuses minimal chic and beachy-y insouciance — and it’s roomy enough to chuck in a Missoni bikini, a pair of The Attico mules and a mini Gucci Jackie, perfect for carrying a pack of Vogue Menthols and a mini pepper spray (we’ve all seen Taken). All a modern-day Material Gworl™ needs to cosplay as Mrs O herself!
Your cheugy girlboss cousin: a staycay
“Sure, Peckham Rye ain’t Patmos, and Clissold Park certainly isn’t Capri, but there’s nothing like a London summer — I’m telling you!” they bluster with palpable indignation. You can’t blame them — after all, watching Material Gworl™ jet off on her fourth comped trip to an Aman resort in just as many months would leave a bitter taste in anyone’s mouth. To their point though, while there really isn’t anything like contracting e-coli from a high-noon dip in the River Lea, there are a fair few reasons to opt for a staycay this summer. Not only is flying a wretched environmental choice — we’re looking at you, Miss Swift! — but with the inevitable traumas of five-hour long check-in queues, and the lottery-like chances of your Rimowa cases actually arriving with you, it is anything but chic. What is, however, is English country-core, as Kim Jones’s recent homage to the Bloomsbury Set’s summertime frolics at Charleston Farmhouse well proves. So while you’re pissing your pennies away on overpriced Whispering Angel at Nikki Beach, your shrewd gal-pal will be putting that cash towards impossibly chic picnics that make the city’s sun-scorched parks look postcard perfect. Think: Loewe raffia baskets, Haeckels scented candles, ikebana-grade floral arrangements from Sage and lashings of Tillingham pet nat, all backlit by a Telegraph Hill sunset — Es Vedrà could never!
The boho zaddy: an airport meltdown
Noticing that your lover reacts to stressful situations just like your dad is pretty grim in any context, but it’s especially disheartening when you’re at the airport, just about to head off on your very first romantic getaway. Then again, it isn’t necessarily surprising, given that your paramour and your father are the exact same age. All it took for our once-dashing boho zaddy to degenerate to grumpy dad was being told that his Away Bigger Carry-On — with the power bank, of course — was in fact too big for EasyJet’s infamously meagre allowance and that he’ll have to check it in. “Now, listen you incompetent pisswit!” he snarls at the despairing check-in attendant. “I paid good money for Speedy Boarding for a reason, and that is because I refuse to check in a bag knowing that you’ll only bloody lose it! Have you seen that fucking pile of suitcases at Heathrow?” You try to placate him with a tender “Babe, we have AirTags! And travel insurance!”, and — noticing the bemused stares from the queue he insisted you spend the night sleeping at the airport to beat — he yields, huffing and mumbling as he lumps his marginally oversized carry-on onto the conveyor belt. “All those Cadence travel capsules I bought, and for what?!” Of course, air travel has always brought the worst out of people, and that’s especially the case these days — just consider it a lesson learned the hard way and get him one of those foolproof under-the-seat bags doing the rounds on TikTok for next time (if there is one).
Your gorpcore boyfriend: hiking
In this age of Being Real™, it’s time to call out the posers — if your boo thinks it’s chic to dress like he’s prepped for an alpine expedition, then it’s damn well time to see how he fares on one! Whether it’s a hike across the Carpathian Mountains or a trek across Arctic steppe, though, the first thing he’ll need is a coat that holds up to more than a British summer shower. Patagonia, as the name well implies, is the gold standard for off-piste adventures, and Icelandic new-names-on-the-block 66North are well worth a browse. Of course, when night falls on the mountainside, looks will only get you so far — given that he’s almost certainly incapable of building an actual fire, this chic, foldaway grill from Japanese label Snow Peak will ensure that you’re at least halfway to a hot meal when you find somewhere to settle down for the night. Where shelter’s concerned, frankly, why invest in a tent when you can repurpose one of those early Craig Green show pieces he has knocking about in his archive? And remember, ain’t no mountain high enough for him to start living like a mountain man, so make sure he packs some cleanser — Pharrell’s Humanrace does a stunning rice powder one that makes for lightweight carrying — and some Riemann P20 SPF. Unless you’re at an all-inclusive resort on the Costa Brava, the lobster look just isn’t giving.
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