This week Netflix released a list of its fastest binge watched shows. Or rather, ‘binge raced’ as they’ve coined it. While grand proclamations have been made of a TV renaissance, really we’ve just traded up from a Hollyoaks omnibus on a Sunday morning. Bojack Horseman? Neigh mate. The Crown? Fuck the monarchy. The universally acclaimed House of Cards? Yeah ok it’s on there but it’s pretty low down.
You binge when you’re at your most vulnerable. When you’re the most lonely, bored or achingly sexually frustrated. But: different ailments need different balms. Just been dumped? Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is the perfect tonic. Need something to talk about with colleagues at the pub on Friday? House of Cards of course! So with that in mind, here are the 20 fastest binge-watched shows and when to binge on them.
1. Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life
It’s 2pm on a Sunday and the prangover has well and truly settled in. You miss your mum. You miss being a teenager. Gilmore Girls has a new series. That’ll help, right? You watch it all. How do they talk so fast? Who cares, this is actually helping. Call me back tomorrow mum.
2. Fuller House
The news is bleak. You’ve spent the afternoon at work reading Trump’s tweets and watching Facebook viral videos about stray dogs. You get home. You have cereal for dinner. You switch on Fuller House. Six hours later you are Fullerfilled.
3. The Ranch
You’ve finished Fuller House and Trump’s still president. You decide to try
The Ranch in an effort to tap into the middle American psyche and develop a more meaningful and sensitive understanding of what life is really like for his voters. Joking, obv. Ashton Kutcher — fit. The combination of lilting Texan accents and nonexistent plotlines sends you into a deep, dark slumber. By the time you wake up, every single episode has rolled through. Trump’s still president.
4. Marvel’s The Defenders
You’ve just returned from your first boxercise class and the sound of EDM is still ringing in your ears. You’ve lost basic motor functions but endorphins are coursing through your veins to your brain at an overwhelming rate. Go out and see friends? Nah, Marvel’s The Defenders. And a Deliveroo!!! Sushi of course. You’re #fitspo now.
5. The Seven Deadly Sins
You watch 18 seconds of this before Insta-storying a video of it with the caption #Sundays. Your brother replies ‘tragic’. He’s not wrong.
6. Trailer Park Boys
Actually? No idea.
7. Santa Clarita Diet
You watch Cowspiracy and decide to become a vegetarian. You drop a note of that on a few Whatsapp groups. No reply. Next up, Santa Clarita Diet. You consume it with the same speed and vigour that you will do with tomorrow’s Nandos.
8. F is for Family
F is for FUCK — WTF am I doing with my life. Shhhhh. Don’t think, just watch one of these vulgar cartoons about middle class American families with talking pets. Not
Family Guy, that’s socially unacceptable. This’ll do.
9. Orange Is the New Black
IDK, everyone watches this.
10. Stranger Things
You’ve got the board games. You’ve got the original score on vinyl and you’re kitted out in the Topshop x Stranger Things collection. You’re basic. You’re ready.
11. Friends from College
It’s Tuesday evening. You are quite frankly exhausted from a whole two days work and resort to the most saccharine offering in the Netflix back catalogue. Just like your actual friends from uni, the humour is woefully lowbrow.
12. Grace and Frankie
It’s your birthday and you’re having a premature existential quarter life crisis. You stumble on
Grace and Frankie and before you know it you’ve watched all three seasons. An 80-year-old woman plays with a vibrator. This helps, you’re just not sure why.
13. Wet Hot American Summer
You’ve invited a romantic acquaintance round. The kids call this one a Netflix and Chill. You watch one and a half episodes of
WHAS. Your date pretends not to see when Netflix asks if you’d like to continue watching
Trailer Park Boys. Which you do, after they leave. Ok bye?
14. Atypical
It’s Saturday night and you’re scrolling through Instagram’s entire offering of ‘stories’. It’s FOMO o’clock. Even your mum’s busy Snapchatting you pictures of penis straws from a “girls’ night out”. Ffs Karen. Where did you learn about the aubergine emoji? Someone call dad.
15. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Your love life is a mess. You’ve just been ghosted and haven’t had a Tinder superlike in months. If Kimmy can wrench herself from a doomsday cult and maintain an unshakably optimistic disposition, you can get over a little light ghosting. (Was it because of my devout love of
Trailer Park Boys?)
16. House of Cards
In an effort to become more political, you’ve swapped Vogue for Teen Vogue and started watching House of Cards. It’s Saturday night. You cannot bear the thought another night staring blankly into your flatmate’s boyfriend’s eyes at the pub as he describes someone as having “a touch of the Frank Underwoods”. You watch the entire first series. It’s boring. You call it “visionary” at work on Monday.
17. Master of None
You love that meme where Aziz Ansari says “Treat yourself” and you think this is the show it originates from. It’s not but you watch all of it instead of dealing with parents’ recently-announced divorce.
18. Luther
You fool yourself into thinking this is great prep for your imminent Criminology exam.
19. GLOW
It’s 9pm on a Friday. You’re drunk. This is the single most empowering show you’ve ever watched. You watch six episodes before falling unconscious. The next morning you roll over to find your iPad rested on the pillow next to you, as if it were a partner you spent the night with. In many ways, it is.
20. Arrested Development
Mum’s new boyfriend wants you to come spend the weekend with them at his flat in Bournemouth. Can’t sorry busy watching all of Arrested Development. Next time, Ian.
