The world is more divided and disrupted than ever. As relations between the Middle East and the USA sour, Meghan and Harry begin the admirable task of dismantling the British monarchy and we attempt to cure our seasonal affective disorder with the dawn of Winter Love Island, it’s perhaps an understatement to say there’s much to think about. So let’s get right into it. The most pressing subject of our times: I need to talk to you about the vortex that is Kimberly Kardashian’s fridge.
It is, let’s get this out of the way first, passé at this point to try to interrogate our limitless curiosity for all things Kardashian Jenner West. For good or for bad (it’s for bad, obviously) we are obsessed with this familia in all their ridiculous, extra glory. We follow their Instagrams. We buy their overpriced lip kits and perfumes and we coo over their adorable children. When Meg and Harry are done with their humanitarian project of ensuring a republican revolution, the Kardashians will be the only royal family we recognise.
So it’s perhaps not that surprising that when Kim gave fans a previously unseen insight into her food and cuisine habits with a tour of her kitchen, fridge and pantry, we became immediately fascinated. No, transfixed.
After being criticised for appearing to have a refrigerator containing just absolutely loads of milk and nothing else, Kim gave her 156 million (!!!) Instagram followers a tour of the rest of her produce on IG stories. Introducing what appears to be a dystopian IKEA showroom, the film opens on a beech nightmare filled with those glass jars your mum uses to store pasta and cereal, even though the pasta and cereal already comes in its own boxes and storing them in glass jars makes absolutely no sense.
I have several questions, and many many thoughts about the interior of the weird food annex which does not appear to be a traditional kitchen, and is more like a cyborg themed restaurant.
1. Are Lazy Susans still a thing? Kim seems to have at least 12 Lazy Susans. Can you imagine Kanye just spinning away, losing his mind because he’s forgotten which one Kim’s stored the garlic mayo on?
2. How you gonna be plant based if you have a literal frozen yoghurt machine and a tray of cheeses Kim? Not very Veganuary of you.
3. There are hardly any sweets in the approx four rooms which make up Kim’s kitchen, which makes me think that North, Saint, Chi and Psalm are going to grow up to be super-healthy overlords who will join forces with Grimes and Elon Musk’s offspring and create a new, genetically superior and free of refined sugars society on Mars.
4. WHY DOES THE SINGLE PROBIOTIC HAVE ITS OWN SINISTER SHELF?
Kim and Kanye have given us mere glimpses into their home before, of course, and it’s always been deliciously insane. A cavernous, Barbican-esque brutalist nightmare, the mansion appears to be completely bereft of furniture, toys, clutter, dust, cushions, stains and any other sign of familial life. It’s perfect really. There’s nothing more disappointing, after all, than discovering internationally super-famous celebrities are just like us. Personally, I am disgusted when I discover that famous people like to leave unopened yoghurt pots sitting out on the side, or that they too, have way more toothbrushes than there are people in their home. Nothing leaves me more perturbed than the idea of an Oscar winner having to take the bins out. Our obsession with celebrity is borne out of our collective need for ridiculousness and escapism. The 1% are not relatable, and it’s thoroughly depressing when they try to be.
Maybe because they seem to live in a Calabasas fantasy land, the gross normality of Kim’s fridge and pantry is one of the reasons why we’re so completely obsessed with it. She has a Lazy Susan? She drinks almond milk? The idea of the Kardashian Wests consuming and digesting food in order to maintain the energy they need to exist is absolutely abhorrent to me.
Thank god she still has a personal frozen yoghurt maker thrown in there, otherwise I’d be feeling totally Twilight Zone right now.