The results indicate a simple yet complicated character, who suffers many of the same anxieties as his predecessors, is part-ambitious and part-apathetic, enjoys recreational drugs, is somewhat addicted to internet porn and not averse to occasionally snogging male friends. He is, basically, a likeable confusion of hormones, hope, hornyness, mystery and daftness. He means well, but is often just a bit crap. He feels okay about that.
UP: He has grown out of those weird ‘killing loads of people’-ish computer games that preoccupied him throughout much of his mid-teens in dimly lit bedrooms, having realised that this obsession is totally off-putting to most girls.
DOWN: His first girlfriend was a local babe who encouraged a bout of feverish sexting prior to them becoming an item. They split up when she found out he had tangled tonsils with one of her friends at a party. His disgruntled ex got revenge by posting a photo of naked-him on Facebook.
DOWN: He has the age-old anxiety that his cock is not big enough. This perception is based on the sight of whopper-sized choppers protruding from the male porn stars in those films he often watches.
UP: He masturbates more than previous generations of young men, what with the internet being so helpful with a non-stop array of porn. Consequently, his forearms are considerably stronger than those of his forefathers.
UP: He smokes weed alone, with friends and sometimes with his ex-90s raver parents, because this is commonplace now, and doing so doesn’t necessitate the tie-dyed trappings of hippy-dom, which tended to be the case in the past. Being stoned just feels nice. Pills are nice, too, sometimes. Beer is also nice.
DOWN: He sometimes experiences a sort of low-key depression, but can’t really articulate why.
DOWN: He is bizarrely accident-prone and often breaks bones – most typically wrists and ankles. These injuries usually occur after a big night out and usually involve a misguided attempt to climb over a wall, or an unwise decision to ride a cycle home while off his face.
UP: He never complains about being on crutches or having a plaster cast on his arm. In fact, he laughs about it when any concern for his plight is expressed.
UP: He loves being at uni and works his arse off to make sure he can get an amazing job afterwards and pay back his mum and dad for all their help.
DOWN: He wonders how long it will take to pay back the Student Loan and is aware of the insane cost and near-impossibility of one day owning a home of his own. This makes him momentarily glum, but as long as he has a place, somewhere, somehow, with a big, fuck-off sofa and flatscreen TV, he will be fine.
UP: He earns some cash by DJ-ing in a local pub on their regular Student Night and loves the attention and free drinks, though rarely looks up at the crowd and gets moody when people request ironic Spice Girls songs.
DOWN: He had a part time job but kept arriving late for work and hated the Australian manager who kept banging on about being ‘customer focused’ and ‘getting bums on seats, guys!’. He just didn’t turn up for work one day, or the next, or the one after that, as it was too boring. So, he subsequently got sacked (by email).
DOWN: He senses many girls favour ‘hot’ boys with six packs and pecs and nice haircuts, and strives to make his wiry frame thus with a clunky piece of ‘keep fit’ apparatus from Argos.
UP: He doesn’t fully realise that many girls also like skinny, androgynous, pretty boys – or just plain boy next door-types with honest faces and good personal hygiene.
UP: He quite likes style magazines, despite many media types insisting they are no longer important, and derives some ideas about how he wants to look from these. However, more literal stylistic inspiration tends to come via footballers, rock and pop stars and people off the telly.
DOWN: He is a perfect scruff, who puts every fashion victim and older person-desperately-trying-to-look-young to shame by looking great without even trying.
DOWN: He hates boybands, not only because their songs are shit and his younger sister plays them all the time, but also due to them often being better-dressed than he is.
UP: Listening to good music makes him happy and causes his head to nod in a rhythmic fashion. His sister takes the piss. Random songs are more important to him than being a fan of specific artists.
DOWN: He and his friends still routinely use the word ‘gay’ in order to deem something as rubbish, despite knowing it is rubbish to do so.
UP: He is healthily curious about and – at a push – not averse to a dabble in bisexuality, as everyone in his age range knows and is friends with someone who’s gay or bi.
UP: He is not someone who would describe himself as political, but does vaguely-hate David Cameron and does think it’s shit that uni fees are so high and does know of a few people whose mums or dads recently lost their jobs and does think it’s bang out of order that his nan can’t afford to pay her leccy bill and does think cannabis should be legalised and does know that beer keeps going up in price and does instinctively understand that Nigel Farage is a wanker.
DOWN: He didn’t get his act together to vote in the recent UK local elections.
UP: He doesn’t do that awful ‘upspeak’ thing of ending-every-sentence-in-a-questioning-tone-and-inserting-the-word-‘like’-everywhere-for-no-reason, as much as many girls of his age do.
DOWN: He tends to mumble, or just hardly ever speaks when any ‘adults’ are around. This is quite a timeless and tedious tendency of young male communication and harks to grunting cavemen, back in the day.
Credits
Text James Anderson
Photography Piczo