2017: A year in your life, a year in mine, where so much stuff happened — to us, to you, to the world. Were we not all, in some ways, that toddler proudly stonking into the room while their dad was being interviewed live on BBC News about the delicate politics of South Korea? Are we not all, in some ways, Chelsea Manning’s first slice of pizza as a free woman: the ultimate in post-liberation luxury? And really, at the end of the day, are we not all that weird month where we couldn’t get enough of Celine Dion? Let’s take a moment and examine these icons, these precious moments, and take a stab at guessing which one you, dear reader, would be, if you were one too (you so are).
1. Cast yourselves back to earlier this year and the inauguration of Donald J. Trump. It was cold, it was dark, it was January. The world was about to change for the worse. By December it has become clear that this man has no wishes other than to plunge the world into apocalyptic horror. So, how do you react? A. You don your pink pussy hat, you start a WhatsApp group called “Womb for Power”, and on January 21, you take to the streets with six million of your global brothers and sisters to protest challenges to the rights of women, minorities and the world, which Trump is inevitably going to revoke.
B. You get the girls on the phone. You plan a night out at the nearest ‘Spoons but say, “We’ve got ages to protest! That women’s thing’s not till March”.
C. You post some cute pics on Instagram, highlighting the fact that you are a vulnerable species, that you were born early, that you will become a strong and powerful force in the world of social media. You are the Luke Skywalker of marine mammals.
D. You are beyond such worldly matters.
2. It is February; the month where it is important to trim off your dead ends and do a hair mask and not drink but secretly drink 19 glasses of prosecco every day. It is the month where it is acceptable to wear shoes that look like two run-aground cruise ships, a pair of tracksuit bottoms, a choker and a suit jacket. Yes bitches, it’s fashion month. What do you wear?
A. You rightfully belong as a leader of the UN. Ergo, you should embrace that pant suit and pump look right now, behbeh.
B. You have approximately 19280498849534587 velour tracksuits in your life, but now is the time to debut the beahoootiful brown ruched number, with the shoulder pads and the beads. Make a statement without saying any words, that’s what you say!
C. The only thing you are ready to be seen dead in is the Balenciaga version of the Fraka bag. And let’s face it, if you keep growing you won’t even be seen in that.
D. If it has numbers on the tag it ain’t your bag. Price on application is what looks good on you.
3. “This is not a joke, Moonlight has won best picture” Which reaction sums up your 2017?
A: Meryl Streep
B: Mel Gibson
C: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
D: Ryan Gosling
4. This absolute shit show of a year is really shaping up to be even worse than we thought it would be. Things are hard and you also need to figure out what shoes to buy. So which will it be?
A. Alessandro Michele’s golden siren song has rung out, and you’ve heard it loud and fabulously clear. You can see yourself shuffling, heels naked and proud, along a promenade in those Gucci loafers that feel both classic and so right for right now.
B. Those Sparkly YSL Boots. You are glam. You are fab. It is just a shame you had to go out and buy a pair and were not gifted them straight off the runway. Perfect for a night out with a girls though.
C. Balenciaga S Type Trainers. Chunky. Like you. All over Instagram. Like you.
D. Couture. Always couture. A deep, unashamed and enthusiastic love of couture will see you through the dark times.
5. Everyone needs a little escapism from the world — and honey, you’ve earned it! Which bod-modification are vibing out to?
A. Nostril hair extensions. Fuck your beauty conventions. You are powerful. You don’t conform. You are incredible. You are unique.
B. Glitter tongue. You have earned the right to cover every single part of your body in glitter if you want.
C. The Kylie Jenner Lip Bottle Top Challenge: don’t worry the bruising will go down.
D. Squiggle brows. Be beautiful. Express yourself.
6. This year will for-never go down in history as the year we had a snap election. Who even knew what that meant until April? According to Wikipedia, they are usually called at a time that capitalises on a unique electoral opportunity. Which is what we all thought as the results rolled in and the resulting hung parliament was uh, given to the DUP. But which social media thing sums up the general election for you?
B. Theresa May running through fields of wheat
D. Theresa May but every time she says “strong and stable” it gets faster.
7. As an icon, you have scored the ultimate: An invite to the only royal wedding we care about. No, it’s not posh and becks renewing their vows, it is of course, Meghan and Harry. It’s time to rock a look — what is it?
A. Something fierce, sustainable and powerful.
B Something 100% glam and trashy: time to dust off the singular wrist warmer and asymmetric haircut of 2006!
C. Of The People chic — Gosha tracksuit and limited edition Vans Old Skool.
D. Mostly feathers.
8. Slogans are back back back! (Did they ever go away!?) Anyway, this time you can share how ‘woke’ you in one simple slogan spread over your body. Which one are you!?
A. Frank Ocean’s “Why be racist, sexist, homophobic or transphobic when you could just be quiet.”
B. “Prosecco Made Me Do It” sweatshirt.
C. Ashish’s “Queer” .
D. Vicky B’s “Fashion Stole My Smile” tee.
9. You’re a female rapper. Are you?
A. Cardi A
B. Cardi B
C. Cardi C
D. Cardi D
10. You’ve reached the end of the quiz. You’re trying to figure out the point where we lost interest. Was it:
A. When we realised that the office is about to close for Christmas so we stopped doing it by months.
B. When we chucked in three largely similar fashion questions.
C. When we started doing it by months again but stopped writing in full sentences.
D. When we stopped writing funny jokes for answers.
ANSWERS!
MOSTLY A: WOKE, MARCHING TODDLER
MOSTLY B: GEMMA COLLINS
MOSTLY C: FIONA THE HIPPO
MOSTLY D: CELINE DION