Men Are Yearning. Now What?

Performative men—the Lana Del Rey listening, matcha-sipping type, thumbing through a pristine copy of bell hooks’ All About Love—might’ve defined last summer. But with the release of films like Wuthering Heights, Frankenstein, and The History of Sound, it feels like we’re entering a new cultural moment for men, one defined by yearning. 

You can feel his windswept, heartsick pulse even in Vanity Fair’s 32nd Hollywood Issue, featuring infamously pretty piners like The History of Sound star Paul Mescal, not to mention his lingering, off-screen looks at Daisy Edgar-Jones. The tote-bag-wielding guy, armed and ready to mansplain misogyny, has been replaced by the new emblem of male suffering: the yearning boy. 

Like a hopefully less toxic Heathcliff or Frankenstein’s Creature, the yearner is defined by his tortured, lovelorn aura. You picture him alone at the edge of a cliff, gazing into the distance, beautiful and untouchable, a single tear tracking down his cheek. In real life, you might spot one of these lovestruck languishers staring wistfully from across the room, or suddenly appearing everywhere you go. You start to wonder if he has a crush on you. Surely not, you think. If he did, he would’ve come up to me by now, right? Wrong. 

Unlike the performative man, whose look is carefully curated to lure in lovers, the yearner’s signature move is subtlety. Translation: leaving you in a state of permanent confusion. Anyone who’s been on the receiving end of a yearner’s affections might describe the experience as mildly maddening. What’s the point of ogling if you never make a move? But according to relationship psychotherapist Susanna Abse, former CEO of Tavistock Relationships and Chair of the British Psychoanalytic Council, this behavior isn’t rooted in disinterest. It’s fear. “I think in the last decade many men have become afraid of overstepping boundaries and being perceived as abusive or predatory,” she explains. “It stops men from feeling it’s safe to make a gesture. If they cross the room and ask someone out, will they be treated as intrusive and gauche, or worse?” 

A recent study titled The State of UK Men, conducted by equality charities Equimundo and Beyond Equality, backs this up. Surveying more than 2,100 men and women, the report found that young men aged 18 to 24 are increasingly disheartened about dating. Thirty-six percent agreed with the statement “I don’t think anyone could fall in love with me,” while 33 percent agreed with “I will never find someone to share my life with.” 

Across all ages, the report notes: “Men are not rejecting relationships, but many are retreating from them or losing hope that they are possible. Financial pressures, social expectations, online disconnection, and the influence of gendered digital subcultures are combining to produce a landscape where intimacy feels risky, confusing, and often unattainable.” 

A self-professed lifelong yearner, who asked to remain anonymous to avoid being publicly outed, agrees. “It’s more comfortable to have a narrative in your head that something could happen than to actually try and discover that it won’t,” he says. “You assume it won’t work out, so you’d rather yearn. You don’t want to give something the chance to fail.” 

Enter British Vogue’s viral headline: “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” Oof. Empowering, sure. No one should be defined by their relationship status. Still, who didn’t feel at least a little discouraged about dating after that? For some men, Abse adds, yearning is also tied to anxiety about sexual performance. “Men’s sense of potency is often linked to their ability to maintain an erection during intercourse,” she says. “But erections aren’t controllable. It’s not like you can just say, ‘Up you go, buddy.’” 

“In dating, there’s real jeopardy for men when they make a move, because then they have to follow through,” Abse continues. “And women today have expectations. They’re empowered. They expect men to deliver.” 

As with all trends, the pendulum swings. Out with men performing for women, in with men too anxious to perform at all. The silver lining? At least now you know why he doesn’t look happy to see you. Whether tragically romantic, slightly incel-adjacent, or some uneasy mix of the two, the yearner reflects the broader conversation around the male loneliness epidemic. The archetype may even help explain why The State of UK Men found that 15 percent of men had chosen relationships with AI companions over real-life partners. Soon, adults will even be able to have erotic conversations with OpenAI’s ChatGPT. 

But with OpenAI currently facing multiple lawsuits related to mental health harms, it’s clear there’s no substitute for human connection. And the way to get it is surprisingly simple. “Show your interest. Show your desire. Be attentive to how it’s received,” Abse advises. “Go talk to someone if you’re attracted to them. Don’t just stare and expect the other person to do all the work. But if you’re not met with warmth or reciprocity, pay attention. That’s a red flag. You shouldn’t chase someone who’s pushing you away.” 

So, yearners: come back from the cliff. Close the laptop. Cross the room. Ask out the person you’re pining for. Just don’t be creepy if they’re not interested. They may not be the one for you, but someone out there is.