Not all daddies are created equally. A biological father does not automatically a daddy make. There are many types of daddies in the world — some of them don’t even have to be related to you. In fact, it’s probably a good thing that many of them aren’t related to you. Look, what we’re saying is, you don’t need to have a dad in the traditional sense to celebrate Father’s Day this Sunday. Yes, it’s this Sunday. You forgot, didn’t you? You did. Don’t panic! Luckily, we have a handy guide for what to gift any and every kind of daddy in your life, good and bad. Happy shopping!
Boho zaddy
What to get for a man who unironically refers to himself as ‘Daddy-o’ is a tough one, but the simple formula for this gift list is to think of the things you thought were chic and aspirational a few years back – right when this silver fox swaggered into your life, incidentally. A Diptyque candle is a no-brainer – Feu de Bois, natch, to recall tender memories of grinding your teeth by the campfire on your glamping retreat, while he whined off-key and strummed basic chord progressions on the Taylor acoustic he bought back when he took up weekly ‘jamming’ sessions with his mate Giles. If you’re thinking of getting him something to wear, do bear in mind that he’s as stubborn as an ass, and his wardrobe is basically a Homer Simpson-style wardrobe rotation of the same damn thing. Given that a Saint Laurent bomber is probably beyond your budget, and he’s copped every dupe The Kooples has going, a loud silk shirt from Casablanca or a Gucci beanie is a primo choice. No matter what chic accessory you could ever think to buy him, though, none will ever quite trump the Samson-esque head of hair he just about still had when your eyes first met across the Groucho Club bar. Of course, ain’t no scalp serum gonna bring that back, but what will is a trip to Turkey for a hair transplant, followed by a stop at Dr Martin Galy’s Chelsea clinic for a course of man-opause inhibiting hormones. Then again, that’s quite a lot to give for the paltry return of his company, so if you want to just shop clever and get him something he’ll love that’ll make the hours spent in his plush De Beauvoir townhouse all the easier to bear, a bottle of Seventy One gin is a perfect companion for the signed Mert & Marcus prints that line the walls. MS
Salt-of-the earth dad
Not every dad likes fancy things. And that is fine, actually! Even the kind of dads who gruffly ruffle your hair as an adult instead of hugging you and saying thank you for your shit presents – remember the year you got him whisky rocks, despite the fact he’s only ever drunk Carlsberg? – deserve a nice father’s day! He’s a simple man. He likes sports and, honestly, you’re not sure what else. You get him Ronnie O’Sullivan’s autobiography and describe him as “that footballer you like” when you hand over the present, and dad, lovely straightforward dad, he doesn’t bother to correct you. “He’s a pool player”, mum says. Dad says nothing. Luckily you’ve already paired this present with a football shirt (but it’s still a present from you, so obviously it’s a Martine Rose football shirt, not a normal football shirt). You don’t see the problem with this – he’s always going on about getting the badge in. There’s a badge on this shirt. What do you mean it’s not the right sort of badge? It’s fine, dad is saying. Lunch now! He’s not keen on food that you have seen him refer to on Facebook, with your own eyes, as “foreign muck”, but dad loves his Big Green Egg that you got him last father’s day. He loves to chargrill to death unseasoned hamburger patties on that thing. This year you get him an Alfa pizza oven for the garden as an update, because pizza is fine. Pizza is his favourite “exotic” food. You’ve gone out on a limb this year and included some books dad might like in order to expand his non-culinary horizons; Sathnam Sanghera’s Empireland and Ben Judah’s This Is Europe. Part of you suspects dad will use this as kindling for dough and hamburger buns. And you are correct to suspect this. RL
Absent father
Papa, can you hear me? Papa? Are you there? No. No, you are not. Look, Father’s Day isn’t for everyone. But for those without papas to pamper, it’s the perfect occasion to pamper ourselves instead. Take the entire day to treat the main man in your life instead: You. Perk yourself up, buy a shiny new Nespresso machine and begin the day with caffeine instead of an alarm on your phone reminding yourself to call your biological father. Daddy never taught you to play the guitar? Fuck it! Buy yourself the Ballantine x RZA limited edition decks, which are infinitely cooler and also never forgot to show up to parents evening. No dad to buy a pizza oven for? Splurge on a Van Moof for yourself instead. Think of the speed at which you can pedal away from your own daddy issues! Come home after your spiral-y bike ride. You are sweaty now. You need self care. Splurge on some Tatcha rice water cleanser. Cleanse yourself and log onto a Zoom therapy session. Pay for it, privately! You have the extra cash! Smug with having avoided the horror that is a Soho House Sunday roast lunch with papa, take yourself out for a nice meal instead. Nobu’s just opened up a new location in Shoreditch. Head there, wearing your very own, deliberately ostentatious signet ring (again a purchase for you, from you — it’s not as if you’re inheriting anything from the closet of Big Dad, whether that’s family jewels or family money, and anyway, your Margiela choice pick is chicer than his heirloom). Finish the day curled up in bed reading your new copy of Spare, with audio book accompaniment. We all have daddy issues, even the royals. You got through it. 364 more days until you have to endure this all over again. RL
East London it-dad
Now that litty lengy Louis has settled down — subbing out ketamine-fuelled raves under Hackney railway arches for the kombucha brewing classes held a couple of arches down — figuring out what to get him is a tricky one. Sure you could get him a Museum of Peace and Quiet bib or a Burberry baby cap for the bundle of joy that precipitated his slowed-down lifestyle, but he is still a man of discerning – if slightly predictable and affected – taste. Given that his missus made him put his cherished collection of rare Arc’y windbreakers on Grailed to put towards a Bugaboo stroller, some new togs are in order – nothing too out there, though. After all, the turning of a new chapter in life calls offers the perfect opportunity for a whole new look, so let this be the start of this young daddy’s dad-core. IDEA caps with esoteric slogans and chic basics from CDLP strike the perfect balance between distinct and impeccably crafted; letting everyone know he thinks he’s better than them, while also being plain and replaceable enough for him to not care too much when his wee bairn spews oat milk babycino down the front. For shoes, practical-yet-fashion forward options like Comme des Garçons x Salomon trainers for the school run, or Dior Birkenstocks for tending to his wild garlic-filled allotment are a sensible shout. Though, given the inevitable stresses of new dad life, what he’d really appreciate is a couple of bottles of natty plonk from Hector’s, and a couple tickets to Field Day and some packet for when he falls off the wagon and spirals all the way back to his litty lengy ways again. MS
Svetlana’s sugar daddy
It can be difficult getting a gift for the man who owns everything (yourself included) but there comes a time in the year when every sugarbaby must return the sweetness. Naturally, you only give to get, so why not simplify the transaction — because, ultimately, that is what this relationship is — with items that benefit you. Well, him and you. Which basically just means you. Because, really, isn’t everything about you? Two tickets to see SZA! A Barbiecore pink Chanel wallet for all his Coutts credit cards! An oversized shirt from The Row’s menswear section, perfect for throwing over your bikini this summer! A set of chemical-exfoliant lotions and potions from Biologique Recherche for scrubbing away the shame of what you did last night! A pink Lamborghini, because why the hell not? It’s all about spin when it comes to presenting it to him. You know how much he loves tech, which is why you got him the latest NuFace and a Dr Dennis Gross LED mask. You know how hard he works, and how much his hip is playing up at the moment, which is why you booked a couple’s massage at the new spa Claridges. Oh, they only had space for one? Well, book it anyway. He’d want you to relax a little. Hell, why not book a whole suite, invite your closest girlfriends over and pop round the corner to buy yourself something lovely from Browns to wear for a night out at 5 Hereford St? After all, he loves it when you dress up and have a good time. Just remember to send him some piccies of yourself in that barely-there Nensi Dojaka. Now, I know what you’re thinking. He’s supposed to be the one spoiling you! Svetlana, honey, let’s not pretend that you’re not just putting this all on his credit card. After als, it’s you that is the gift that keeps on giving. In fact, buy yourself that Princess Diana ‘I’m A Luxury’ sweater from Rowing Blazers right this minute. He’ll love that. OA
Dom top daddy
To be honest, there’s only one thing this brute wants for daddies’ day and it can’t be found in your wallet. If you’re dealing with a daddy who demands more than just your body trussed up like a Christmas ham, then, well, you should probably tell him to get fucked (which would make for a change!), because you are more than enough as you are! If you’re fully sub-pilled, though, at least get him something that will elevate the ambience of that basement playroom you spend the lion’s share of your time together in with a nice candle – D.S. Durga’s Parquet Leather’s a great option. If you really want to push the boat out, then their scent Leatherize is basically a Tom of Finland sketch in a bottle, making for a fittingly primal perfume – or, in, uhm, urgent scenarios — room deodoriser. Speaking of Tom of Finland, JW Anderson has a dedicated capsule perfect for keeping daddy looking dapper. And you might want to consider a new mattress after the battering his current one has taken; for that, consider Simba — you’ll thank yourself when your face is buried in it. On the beauty front, some Olaplex toner is a great shout for adding a bit of glimmer to your salt-and-pepper zaddy’s coiffure, too. Of course, daddies’ day shouldn’t just be about letting him do unspeakable things to you in the dungeon – this year, why not take your relationship out into the daylight? And no we’re not talking about ‘taking the dog (i.e. you) for a walk on the Heath’; we’re talking about highbrow, above-the-belt (well, sort of) culture. Granted, he’s probably not the sort to take well to the RA Summer show, but something like Ajamu X: Patron Saint of Darkrooms at Autograph, or A Hard Man Is Good To Find at The Photographer’s Gallery should be up his alley – and if he gets bored, or it just gets him going, Sweatbox is just around the corner. MS
Succession daddy
Much like Kendall and co., you have spent your entire life playing outside Daddy’s office, hoping he will notice you. And much like Logan Roy, Daddy has not. Subsequently, you now panic about what to buy him every birthday and Father’s Day, without fail. Opt for quiet luxury for the world’s quietest man (emotionally speaking – in terms of yelling ability he is quite loud). Some Loro Piana socks, perhaps, for him to pad around his study in, ignoring your gentle suggestions that he’s a bit old to be doing the isolated businessman act, and wouldn’t he like to say he loves you before you all die? No. Ok. Well, pair them with some understated John Lobb loafers instead. Again, quiet luxury. You have never seen this man in a pair of trainers in your entire life. Perhaps some self-improvement presents instead, as a pointed act. A course of anger management classes, so you never have to see that vein in his neck pop out again. Or maybe instead you can get him a subscription to your Substack (paid, natch). Yes, you’re paying for your own content, but if you can deliver it to his inbox every week maybe he can read it and finally understand you. He’ll probably delete the email. He’s more of a book man than an online reader anyway. You consider getting him The Art of War but decide he’ll have read that and so get him The War of Art instead — again, to educate him. He will not read this, obviously. You get him a Taschen too – this one about The History of the Digital Age, for instance – so he can artfully decorate the office you’re still never allowed inside. He reads it while wearing the Airpod Max over-ear headphones you bought him (the noise-cancelling ability to block out your calls for attention from behind that closed door). I’m an adult now dad! I’m the eldest boy! RL
Antivax dad
You haven’t seen much of dad this year. He’s been spending a lot of time on the Internet. Too much time, if anything. He’s got a lot of new ideas, mum is telling you on the phone. He’s getting carpal tunnel, mum says, expanding his mind with all these new ideas. You order him a wrist support and a laptop stand for his overused Lenovo, the one that hums in a loud, violent way when you come to visit. You don’t do that much anymore, because dad keeps sitting you down after lunch to tell you King Charles is a lizard person and OJ didn’t do it, shit like that. The vaccines are a tracker! This sort of thing. Dad loves Elon Musk. You buy dad a Twitter blue subscription for the year ahead, dreading what he’ll get into next. “I’ve read this already”, he says when you hand him Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules For Life, suggesting you take it home and read it yourself. Maybe, you say. At least this year dad is healthier. He’s got bang into new diets, actually. He suggests you go on a dopamine fast together. He is over the moon with the keto supplements you picked up for him in Selfridges, even though he thinks modern medicine is “fake”. What do you mean fake, you keep asking. “Fake!” This is not an answer. But it’s good that dad is back into his health, you tell yourself. You get him a class pass stack of reformer pilates sessions at Exhale. He refuses to eat mum’s roast, because he thinks cooking food is bad for you. He eats seven of the 24 pack of Huel bars you got him instead, stopping to show you Facebook links about Jeffrey Epstein. You leave soon after this. RL
Future DILF
A good man is hard to find, so this one goes out to all the men out there who do the washing up, buy you thoughtful gifts, handle your neuroses, go down on you for hours, know how to dress well and who, to be frank, are DILFs in the truest sense of the word — men who make you want to come off the pill and consider moving to Walthamstow. This, girlies, is your cheat sheet for what good men want and deserve: a Silca bike pump (of course, he cycles and, yes, he wears a helmet); a case of Oranj natural wine for when he cooks you dinner (every single day); Athletic Greens and Asics running gear for keeping that fine body in shape; Smythson ‘Thank You’ notes because he knows how to say it properly; Bang & Olufsen noise-cancelling headphones for when he knows you need space; Adidas x Wales Bonner Sambas because he knows what to wear them with; a giant Bottega Veneta Andiamo bag because he took notice when you told him how much you love Jacob Elordi’s style; Astier de Vilette incense sticks because, how else is he doing this without meditating constantly? In fact, why not consider the most symbolic gift of all? Put a ring on it with a Le Gramme 18kt ring lined with 29 diamond baguettes — because he’s beautiful on the inside, as well as out. OA