Any first orgy is memorable, but ‘sex hacker’, expert and author Kenneth Play’s experience was a nightmare. While multiple women waited on him to join their fun, an ill-timed ingestion of Adderall kept Kenneth locked in a nearby bathroom, flaccid. Slapping at his penis, Kenneth grew increasingly frustrated. This was not what any portrayal of group sex had prepared him for.
In spite of this harrowing experience, Kenneth would go on to conceptualise Hacienda: Brooklyn’s leading sex positive event space. Initially founded to cater to a subculture of sexual mavericks, now Hacienda “can’t keep up” with demand from attendees. Kenneth credits Hacienda’s popularity to young people’s newfound willingness to explore alternative lifestyles, but perhaps something else is blazing the trail for group sex: Hollywood.
Even if you aren’t partaking, it’s been difficult to escape orgy-talk lately. Once limited to porn, Eyes Wide Shut-esque art house films and every A$AP Rocky interview, the last month alone has seen an unprecedented number of references to group sex in the zeitgeist. For the third instalment of what The Cut called his “orgy trilogy”, Harry Styles released a thinly-veiled reference to group exploration in “Late Night Talking.” Naked figures writhe, masturbate and thrust in a provocative forest romp that is Maya Hawke’s visual for “Thérèse”. According to The Sun, the main selling point of Are You The One?, an MTV reality show now filming with UK contestants, is its group ‘Boom Boom Room’ antics. Then there’s Monkeypox. “No dark room sex parties, no orgies,” claimed a source in The Washington Post.
Kenneth, who also authored Beyond Satisfied: A Sex Hacker’s Guide to Endless Orgasms, Mind-Blowing Connection, and Lasting Confidence, chalks the summer of onscreen orgies to a rise in non-monogamy. “As the world is becoming more sex positive, group sex is becoming more acceptable among progressive culture.”
“We can’t overstate the importance mainstream media visibility has on forming our perceptions about sex,” adds Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for the hook-up app, Sniffies. “So it’s necessary to dissect the way that sex orgies, sex parties and polyamory are being depicted in media.”
With so much sex in mainstream media, orgies seem to have been deployed as an almost last result to titillate sexually desensitised audiences. “More, more, more, orgy!” screams the narrator in the trailer for The Idol, the latest offering from Euphoria creator Sam Levinson (made in partnership with The Weeknd) that has promised to strip the teen drama of its X-rated crown. Group sex, it seems, is the newest, most provocative filmic device du jour — even if it’s packaged, in the case of Harry Styles, in PG-ready bubble wrap.
“Hollywood is as Hollywood does,” says Claudia Aguillar, founder of sex-positive travel company LLV. “You don’t know how to perform surgery after watching a medical movie — the same goes for sexual exploration on screen. There is a lot more to do before you go from watching a group sex scene in a movie to having friends over for a play party.”
The concern that Hollywood’s glossy portrayal of orgies sets newcomers up for disappointment or discontent crops up frequently among sex commentators. For many young people, the accessibility of sexual content via the mainstream media makes it as persuasive – and therefore instructional – as porn. A 2015 Psychological Science study found that of 1200 teens surveyed, those who had consumed more sexual media reported a higher number of sex partners and greater likelihood of unprotected intercourse (the study also noted that 98 percent of popular movies released between 1983 and 2003 failed to include any references to contraception during sex scenes). Understanding that these are fictional portrayals of sex is fundamental to avoiding dashed expectations, Claudia says. “You need to educate yourselves on best practices and communicate your desires. If you cannot communicate what you want with a partner, stick to watching films.”
Kenneth hopes to dismantle the perception that sex is even a requirement of sex parties. Mostly ranging in age from 20 to 40, Hacienda’s event attendees generally consist of 70 percent veterans and 30 percent newbies. Creating a sense of safety and consent is paramount in making newcomers comfortable, but also rewiring their learnings from the media’s depictions of group sex. “People also think that it’s just a free-for-all and that everyone comes up to you and fucks you, which is absolutely not true,” Kenneth explains. “There’s more consent and safety at a sex party than at your average bar.”
Of course, it’s not that anyone would do away with mainstream media portrayals of group play altogether. Regardless of an auteur’s intentions, showcasing various sexual lifestyles or kinks goes a long way towards normalising them. Like Hacienda, the median age of participants in LLV’s fantasy vacations has also been plummeting. “More and more couples in their 20 and 30s, practicing different relationship styles, are looking for more friends and communities who think like them,” Claudia says.
“I think we’re ushering in a new wave of sex positivity,” Zachary adds. “A lot of this has to do with understanding that sex and sexuality are parts of our mental health. Increased visibility of sexual topics — bisexuality, polyamory, threesomes, sex parties — is reducing stigma and allowing people to act more freely on their desires without shame.”
Still, the treatment of such sensitive subject matter leaves a lot to be desired. While directors are often adverse to depicting the nitty-gritty of real-life sex, Claudia believes there should be processes in place that ensure accurate representation. Specifically, much like intimacy coordinators who work with actors on set, she sees value in erotic consultants to “hold filmmakers accountable”.
Zachary sees a solution in documentary filmmaking. “Movies are under no obligation to accurately portray group sex whatsoever — I think they should, but they don’t have to,” he says. “I think there needs to be more nonfictional depictions to more accurately portray real sex parties. But I do know that we need better sex education, so people aren’t relying on movies and porn to learn about sex. ”
Whether you envision a sex party on your horizon or you’re more comfortable at a safe distance as a viewer (or voyeur), sexual discovery with or without a partner can exist in my different forms. Orgies are not the final, sexiest frontier of experimentation, and not everyone needs to push their personal boundaries just because they feel like they ‘should’. Fundamentally, preferences should always be respected, and any onscreen interpretation of sex taken with a grain of salt.
“This is everyone’s personal prerogative, and people should do whatever they are comfortable with,” Kenneth continues. “From vanilla monogamous sex to kinky orgies — don’t yuck other people’s yum.”
Follow i-D on Instagram and TikTok for more sex.