At this point you have probably seen millions of tweets about Big Dick Energy:
But what actually does it mean? Why are we all so obsessed with schlong power all of a sudden? Is it because everyone has been licking melty ice pops? Is it because it’s hot and sticky and we are all feeling a bit restless in our bandeau tops and short shorts?
Let me describe Dick Energy: You know that person you work with that everyone in the office finds annoying but also loves. You bitch about them in the lift but you also always end up buying them iced coffees from Pret. They make fun of you when you get a shit haircut but weirdly it doesn’t make you want cry in the bathroom. You think your mum would hate them but in reality she keeps asking you to bring them round to hers for dinner. You sit next to them at after work drinks and your face flushes pink when your leg brushes against theirs even though you regularly tell them that you would rather saw off your big toe with a blunt table knife than get with them.
So where did this whole “Big Dick Energy” thing actually come from? Well, people started talking about it when Ariana Grande appeared to tweet (it could have been photoshopped) that fiancé Pete Davidson has a ten-inch dong. No wonder she agreed to marry him after one month. Just look at the way she gazes at him, there’s visibly more of a swing in her ponytail.
But it is important to note that Big Dick Energy has nothing to do with physical anatomy. This is a metaphor. I once went to a naked spa and a man with an inch long micro penis was walking around naked, his arms spread wide, absorbing the space around him. That is Big Dick Energy, if I’ve ever seen it. For what is a big dick without the energy?
“Big Dick Energy has always been on planet Earth, it is in the air we breathe. It’s the fifth element, the hidden power which feeds our ecosystem.”
Big Dick Energy is a subtle self-assurance. It’s for people who back themselves: Jack on Love Island sporting a Dad bod but not making a thing of it. Big Dick Energy is trying something new from the Nandos menu and not caring about the consequences. Big Dick Energy is sending the thumbs up emoji to your house group chat when they demand you wash up your mouldy cereal bowl. Big Dick Energy is being one of those people who everyone stands up to say hello to when they arrive at the pub, they have cheeky eyes and they used to play knock-a-door-run.
Big Dick Energy has always been on planet Earth, it is in the air we breathe. It’s the fifth element, the hidden power which feeds our ecosystem. Big Dick Energy radiates for miles and perhaps we should we try to harness it in order to reduce fossil fuel consumption and power the UK’s electricity grid with it?
Big Dick Energy cares not for the stultifying demands of gender binaries. Women can have massive Big Dick Energy. Cate Blanchett smirking in a power suit. Angelina Jolie playing with knives. Rihanna spread-legged over an armchair in a red chiffon gown. The Bear in the Big Blue House has Big Dick Energy, Dolly Parton has Big Dick Energy, Justin Bobby from The Hills has Big Dick Energy, the cowboy emoji has Big Dick Energy, Atticus Finch To Kill a Mockingbird was the first character to harness Big Dick Energy, Damon Albarn has Big Dick Energy and so does Wreck it Ralph. Boys that carved cartoon penises with a compass onto school tables have grown up to have 0 Big Dick Energy. People who ask you to move down the train carriage to make more room for everyone else have no Big Dick Energy. Neither do people who crush your hand into a withered claw when they shake it. In fact, their dick energy is actually in retrograde.