When you hear the phrase “marrying up” it’s easy to think of the complex social mobility dynamics of Bridgerton or (more recently) The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. But the age-old practice of hypergamy — the act of dating or marrying into a higher socioeconomic or social class — still has a solid place in the modern dating scene. On social media, women share resources on how to date hypergamously, including becoming a cart attendant at a golf club or visiting specific bars in New York to meet a “provider”. There’s Leticia Padua, known as Shera Seven, who’s gone viral for her “level up” advice on TikTok recently, despite not having her own account. Her Youtube subscriber list is 323k and counting and her signature tagline “sprinkle sprinkle” (her way of saying “blessings”) has caught the internet by storm. From how to get a rich man to approach you to asking men for money, what does practicing hypergamy look like today?
May Kalinu, a 27-year-old matchmaking and dating coach in New York, has built up over 298k followers on TikTok with her “spoiled girl” dating advice. After getting cheated on in a relationship where she was “more educated and carried most of the financial burden”, she said, May started posting dating insights on TikTok in 2020 and the result was “overwhelming”. “It’s not about being materialistic or shallow; it’s about being transparent and building a harmonious relationship based on financial stability and mutual respect,” she says. “It’s a natural inclination to seek a better life and aspire to elevate oneself.”
May says the rising interest in hypergamous dating advice online has stemmed from women “realising their true value”, quoting a 2023 Pew Research Center study that states that women have overtaken men and now account for more than half (50.7%) of the college-educated labour force in the US. “With increased knowledge and ambition, women are looking for partners that align with their goals and aspirations,” she explains. “The rise of content like ‘Spoiled Girl’, signifies a powerful shift where women are demanding more from their dating experiences.” May is quick not to use language like “high-value”, as she doesn’t align with the male content creators using it to give misogynistic dating advice. This, however, is not the case for all hypergamous dating advice online, where women are often told to look or act “high maintenance”, or given ways to stand out from other women.
When the topic of hypergamy comes up online, women are often subject to the backlash of claims that they are “gold diggers”. “As a woman of colour, I’ve encountered heightened scrutiny for having high dating standards,” May says. “As a child of immigrants, I’m tired of the narrative that dictates we should take care of everyone without expecting reciprocation.” Chidera Eggerue, the British writer known as The Slumflower, says that advocating for a life of rest and practicing hypergamy is political for her as a Black woman. “While white women were protesting for their right to work, Black women have always been working without any compensation,” she says. “More than anything, Black women deserve to put their feet up. And it’s quite distasteful when Black women are on the internet talking about hypergamy for white women to be in the comments calling it materialistic.”
Rachel Wright, a psychotherapist based in New York, says dating hypergamously is just an “extreme way of communicating to find someone who inspires you, and encourages you to be the best version of yourself”. “In dating, this could look like seeking out someone that makes more money, has more sexual experience or even someone who has more confidence than you,” she adds. “It’s really about finding someone that seemingly has more of something than you and dating or marrying them and, while one could argue the pros and cons for wanting this, if everyone is consenting, I’m not here to tell anyone what’s best for them.”
Rachel isn’t surprised that hypergamy is trending for young people online, with people self-identifying as “sprinkle sprinkle girls” on TikTok, considering that marrying for love is “a more recent concept than most people think”. In fact, the term hypergamy likely has origins in the Hindu tradition of women wanting to marry men from higher castes, but has been practiced in many different cultures for as far back as the history books go. “Hypergamy is more common in heterosexual and monogamous spaces because that’s where the most ‘shoulds’ and ‘norms’ live,” she says. “The downsides are seemingly clear – it’s then looked at as more of a transaction than a relationship between two people and creates different expectations, which if everyone is consenting, again, isn’t inherently bad. It’s just not the love-filled romantic relationship some folks are craving.”
When factoring in the gender pay gap (where the inequality is even greater for Black and Hispanic women) and the current financial crisis, it’s easy to see why more women might be looking for financial stability in their dating lives. Part of Chidera’s dating advice, both on her podcast and in her upcoming Power Pocket book (out November 2, 2023), is looking for men who are “traveling and living an exciting life” on dating apps, going out to expensive bars with friends and expecting a certain level of effort for dates. For example, a walk in the park for a first date is a no-go. While this advice has long left Chidera accused of encouraging women to “rob men” — a phrase that’s been embraced by some hypergamous people online — she believes there’s a double standard when it comes to heterosexual dating. “The idea of a woman wanting a man who has money is seen as wicked and cold, but nobody ever demonises a man for saying he wants a woman who looks like a supermodel,” she says.
The reality is, as long as we still exist under the patriarchy, hypergamous dating will exist and teeter in and out of the spotlight. While it may not be the answer to dismantling the gender divide and gender norms, it’s also an understandable response to the pressure of living as a woman under the current system. “I think that women deserve to utilise patriarchy to their own benefit because patriarchy won’t go away,” Chidera says. “You can fall in love with a guy who can’t do anything for you, or a guy who can do more for you… it’s the same love.” For many women, it’s not about choosing between love and money, but instead striving for both. As Chidera puts it, “We’re all one man away from a different life”.