Suddenly, everywhere you look, it’s polyamory. Or at least it’s abstract ideas of polyamory. Not quite mainstream yet, polyamory is certainly enjoying a broadening spotlight, whether that’s in the appearance of a throuple in Gucci’s recent campaign with Elliot Page or more nuanced explorations of poly dynamics in TV shows like Trigonometry. Online, too, more and more people are discussing the alternative to traditional monogamy. On TikTok, #polyamory has over three-billion views.
But not all representations of polyamory online are sitting well. And it’s not necessarily the negative representations, the unkind or ridiculous criticisms (such as the eye-roll-inducing claims that poly people are all ugly, or that polyamory harms women), that are rubbing poly folks up the wrong way. Counter-intuitively, it’s excessively positive representations of polyamory that are now being called out too.
Polyamorous throuples, polycules (a connected network of people in non-monogamous relationships) and families are taking to Instagram and TikTok to show the world how great their relationships are, in accounts that look queasily similar to the kind of toxically positive parenting accounts that have already been broadly challenged. In one Instagram account with over 127k followers, long-term couple Dana and Daniel share reels and TikToks of their experiences dating polyamorously. They have been criticised, though, for showing an unrealistic representation that borders on sexist. “As the male of a poly relationship, I’d love to see some Daniel struggles. I find it’s often more difficult for a man to get dates,” said one comment, referencing the classic assumption that polyamory is more fun (and easier) for men; an assumption which this account seems to confirm. On other accounts, polyamorous families showcase the sunny side of their relationship and rarely talk about struggles at all. It’s all smiley shots of date nights and family outings.
“I’m just gonna say it — the culture of toxic positivity within the polyamorous community isolates actual polyamorous people who are struggling and does more harm than good,” wrote Leanne Yau, founder of polyamory education platform Polyphilia Blog, in a series of Instagram posts that received hundreds of comments. “It sets unrealistic expectations of what polyamorous living is like, and leaves newbies woefully unprepared.” But Leanne can also see why these sickly sweet representations of polyamory might be so common online. There could be a good reason for showing the positives, and minimising the challenges, at least on public forums like TikTok and Instagram.
“I think polyamorous people online are often just trying to avoid perpetuating the narrative that polyamory doesn’t work. Like other marginalised communities, they often need to prove themselves twice over”, Leanne says. “There is already such a pervasive attitude in society that polyamorous dynamics are doomed to fail that people want to distance themselves from this. It can be hard to say you’re struggling in any kind of relationship. But in polyamory in particular, I think people are often worried someone will say ‘oh I told you so’.”
Alas, navigating polyamory IRL can be difficult because, although representation is slowly improving, there still isn’t a lot out there to guide us polyamorous folks. We pretty much have to work it out as we go along. So, when our own community is presenting a saccharine version of what polyamorous relationships are like (or should be like) it can be all too easy to feel that we’re just getting it plain wrong, or that there’s something wrong with us.
“It can definitely be difficult to find good advice online, but in real-life, people have given me some pretty toxic advice too,” says Georgia* who started exploring polyamory about a year ago after meeting someone who is poly on Tinder. “I’ve had people kind of congratulate me for discovering polyamory, and that felt pretty uncomfortable; it just didn’t sit right, but at the time, I wasn’t sure why.”
Polyamory is no more or less valid than any other relationship dynamic, but too many people both on and offline are representing it as a “more evolved” way of being. This is a narrative that polyamorous people have all come across. “When I started exploring polyamory more, and using apps like Feeld, I definitely noticed a sort of smugness,” Georgia says. “It was kind of gross. But I saw it a lot. This ‘aren’t we so much better than everyone’ attitude.” This is unhelpful because, not only does it contribute to alienating polyamorous people, it also portrays a dangerous message to people dipping their toe in the poly waters: if you decide against polyamory, it’s because you’re just not cut out for it, that you’re somehow “less” than people who are having a great time in their poly dynamics (and splashing that fact all over TikTok).
Educators like Leanne have started to challenge the idea that a person should do all their learning (and unlearning) about monogamy and polyamory in theory before diving into relationships. Although it’s important to educate yourself about polyamory to some degree, and to think carefully about your own desires and boundaries, expecting people to be perfect in polyamorous dynamics from day one just isn’t realistic. But in the poly community, these kinds of unrealistic standards are too common.
“There isn’t much allowance for genuine ignorance and inexperience — people just treat you like you’re a terrible person. I’ve seen people be torn apart and verbally abused in online support groups for daring to admit they felt jealous,” Leanne shared on Instagram.
“I definitely encountered challenging, even negative, feelings in the early days of polyamory compared to when I was in strictly monogamous set ups,” Georgia says. “This surprised me because nobody had warned me about that and there wasn’t much space to talk about it or ask questions. And it was easy to jump to the conclusion that polyamory definitely wasn’t right for me, if I was finding it hard.”
The emotional challenges of polyamory are rarely portrayed online (worse than this, as Leanne points out, talking about difficult emotions in polyamory can even be actively discouraged). But, Leanne points out, the reason for this isn’t necessarily always a deliberate attempt to misrepresent what polyamory is like. “In general, I think a lot of people just struggle to understand that something can be challenging but also rewarding.”
“Whenever I’ve talked about problems in my relationship online, people often say ‘well why are you doing this if it’s so hard. Sometimes polyamorous people feel they have something to prove, they’ve made a non-normative choice and so want to show people that they really are empowered and happy in that choice.”
Toxic positivity in polyamory is as complicated as polyamorous dynamics themselves can be. Sometimes it’s a toxic and unrealistic expectation that people who practice polyamory be super-human and flawless. But, perhaps more often, it’s just an effort not to give the haters even more ammo to use against us. Toxic positivity is common on social media in many forms, and of course on Instagram we want to show our #bestself – but perhaps it’s time the poly community started tackling this and talking about the challenges too, both online and off.
“I’ve started being more straight with my friends about what I’m going through,” says Georgia. “I think it’s important, for polyamory to be taken seriously, that we talk about it for all that it is – the good stuff, but also the confusing and messy parts too.”