There is a line in an episode of And Just Like That, the Sex and the City continuation series, where Charlotte York Goldenblatt questions Miranda’s lesbianic exploration with queer icon Che Diaz. “You are not progressive enough for this. You’re having a midlife crisis — you should have just dyed your hair!” she says. Lately, I’ve been thinking about Charlotte’s query. It may be due to the fact that I’m starting to understand my own relationship of one year and some months. The honeymoon has started to settle like a glowing sunset; the layers start to peel. As we begin to lay the foundation of the possible future of our partnership, I find myself questioning how we’ve come to collectively understand and accept monogamy as the ascribed familial nucleus. I suppose it also has something to do with the fact that in New York, a place where self expression is pushed to the limits, I’m surrounded with people whose approach to relationships is often unconventional.
It was here in this very city where I, a Texan, Catholic-raised, former altar boy, first witnessed loving and successful consensual non-monogamous relationships. In today’s world — at least online — it seems as though everyone is opting to partake in open relationships, from casual swinging to relationship anarchy. GayTwitter™ is flooded with complaints about an overabundance of half-available players (and bottoms!) on Grindr, Sniffies and all the other apps used to find mating partners in today’s world. A few of my close friends, who are in years-long monogamous relationships, are exploring new ways to remain true to the love they feel for their partners, while honouring their own sexuality and growth. It’s not cheating — just a new way of exploring and constructing partnerships. A progressive state of mind; at least from my vantage point. Though we love to flirt with the idea of our openness as a society — take Gossip Girl’s hot throuple of Evan Mock, Emily Alyn Lind and Thomas Doherty, and this season’s focus on their relationship tribulations — the collective notion toward non-monogamy is still one of dismay. After all, this writer is currently heavily intertwined in a monogamous relationship. So…
What is the real state of monogamy — as a cultural concept and relationship ideology — in this economy? Is it just in its flop era? Or is polyamory really the future? If couples are, now more than ever, exploring open relationships and unconventional liaisons — sexual, romantic or otherwise — are we progressive enough to accept it, or should we just dye our hair?
From the very sensual and very gay relationships of Elite to the highly-addictive TLC series Sister Wives, non-monogamy is everywhere in popular culture right now. In Sebastian J. Plata’s Seeing Strangers, the novel’s main character stops off for a hookup on his way home to his “talented artist husband.” The author, instead of explaining the couple’s arrangement, simply writes it off as an understated fact: “Cristian already knows I’m working late, so I don’t even bother letting him know.” After all, maybe relationships are just that — arrangements and settlements that can be, over time and with proper negotiation, amended to reflect with more accuracy the needs of the parties involved?
“Attitudes towards dating change, and there is a palpable shift towards people practising and exploring structures of their relationships beyond monogamy,” says Ana Kirova, the woman behind Feeld, an app described as a palace for pleasure and curiosity. Their slogan, “join solo or with a partner to find lovers and friends,” feels like a naughty and warm invitation. Ana and her partner Dimo embarked on a journey out of their desire for freedom in their own relationship. After two years together, they decided to explore structures beyond monogamy. “I found out there are no guides for what a relationship outside the traditional monogamous structure could look like,” Ana says. And she’s not alone.
In fact, in the five years since Ana and Dimo launched the app, 1 in 3 Americans opened up to the idea of ethical non-monogamy (ENM), according to Feeld’s research, and since 2020, the desire for ENM has increased dramatically with 240% more people adding the option to their profile. For Jean, a 27-year-old Scorpio model and designer from Brooklyn, non-monogamy has always been his natural approach to romantic and sexual relationships. “If I broke it down, I’m romantically monogamous and sexually not,” he says. Right before the pandemic hit, Jean dared to introduce the idea of being open to his partner. Not without hesitation, of course. As it turns out, he tells me, it has been a rewarding experience. One that has allowed them both to grow individually and collectively.
“I’ve discovered a lot about being honest with myself and by extension, my partner. I remember feeling selfish bringing the idea up,” Jean says. “Now, I feel like in general we’ve just been able to be more open with one another. No pun intended.”
Cheating is always going to be cheating, but with the rules as flexible as the partners in a relationship are willing to make them, maybe couples that explore together, are more likely to stay together? Given the radical questioning our society has experienced in the past decade — shaking off both religious and patriarchal customs — we’ve become comfortable with pushing the established boundaries of relationships.
“I believe that humans have a natural need for community. In modern capitalist society, we spend so much time at work that many of us are not as enmeshed in community as our ancestors were,” Molly, a 30-year-old Virgo toy designer from LA with ample experience in both heterosexual monogamous and homosexual non-monogamous relationships, tells me. We’ve known each other since high school, and six years ago when she first expressed her then new-found interest in polyamory, it wasn’t surprising at all. It made sense for her. “I want to clarify that all these different words mean slightly different things, like how pansexuality and bisexuality are similar identities, but are still not quite the same,” she adds.
As a matter of fact, according to history books and anthropologists, polyamory has been a pretty natural part of the human experience. In 2003 some scientists at New Scientist magazine suggested that until 10,000 years ago, “most children had been sired by comparatively few men.” Monogamy provides security. And it’s also the foundation of our patriarchal machine. As Ana tells me during our chat, “Monogamy is an easy, internalised structure to fall back to when we are not presented with alternatives.”
But in today’s world we have options. Too many, actually. Riddled with decision fatigue, millennials and Gen Zers are over being told who to be and how to do it. “People are tired of boxes,” Ana adds. So instead, we turn to exploration, often driven by our desire to question everything.
The biggest misconception surrounding ENM, Molly says, is the lack of commitment or inability to remain faithful. But the truth is, in order to participate in these intricate relationship styles, an advanced level of self-assuredness is necessary. “Consensual non-monogamy requires a lot of introspection, communication and empathy,” she says. “Honing these skills has certainly helped me in my dating life, but I’ve also found that they have had a considerable impact in all areas of my life.” Ana says that there are certain values that we can all look for in any type of relationship, like respect, kindness and care. “The fundamentals of a relationship don’t really change, no matter what style it is,” Jean adds.
Regardless of our personal understanding or view of non-monogamous relationships, one thing is clear — we ought to work on learning about ourselves before engaging in any type of romantic or sexual arrangement. Relationships are transforming right in front of our eyes each and every day — from a static status to a dynamic exploration, with ample room for personal growth. The more time I spend exploring the dark and often protected corners of my partner, and he mine, I can feel our relationship evolving in real time. How that looks for our relationship, is yet unwritten. But I know we’re both excited to see where the story goes.
“What we want to open up to the world is a space to question, a world where monogamy is only one option,” Ana says. After all, we all have lots of love to give, well, at least Molly and Jean do. “I consider my relationship to be my most honest and healthy ever. It’s polite to ask if you want to kiss me,” Jean says jokingly. “I will be telling my boyfriend afterward.” The future is looking a lot more progressive, if you ask me.